Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Facing the Truth.
There is a story about a god who had a relationship with a mortal woman. Not relations, all gods do that. He had a relationship with her. Of course he was handsome as a god always is. But maybe that's not true. Maybe he's only handsome to her. She is beautiful as the lover's of a god always are. But maybe she isn't. Maybe it's love that blinds him to her faults. Regardless what we see is a couple truly in love.
He worships the ground she walks on. That raises some interesting questions. A god worshipping a mortal must break some universal rule. He's a god, what is the point of being a god if you can't break a few rules. He watches her as she goes about it her day. He watches as she bathes. He watches her prepare their meals. He watches her sleep. Strange how being in love breaks rules all on it's own. If they weren't in love he'd be the creepiest of creepers.
She lives to be with him. She works to pay the bills. She make the decisions she knows will make him happy. She dresses the way she knows he finds attractive. Overall she's every girl alive. If they weren't in love she'd be pathetic.
One day as he watches her he notices a wrinkle. This wrinkle doesn't make her unattractive to him. She could be as wrinkled as a pug dog and he would still love her. But, he pauses. She didn't have that wrinkle yesterday. It's okay that she's getting wrinkles. It's what happens after wrinkles that he's worried about. She is mortal. She is going to die and he is going to have to watch and not be able to help. That thought terrifies him.
She returns home and makes dinner. She waits for him but he doesn't come. She eats dinner in front of the tv. Bedtime comes and he's still not here. She goes to bed knowing she'll see him in the morning. Dawn breaks and there has been no sound from the god. The woman doesn't sleep at all. She wakes and takes a shower. She gets dressed and goes to work. What else can she do. Sadness and worry won't pay the bills.
Days turn into weeks which turn to years. She has fallen into a routine. Every day she comes home and cook dinner for two. Every day she eats hers in front of the tv. Every night she goes to bed alone. She no longer waits restlessly for him. Her body won't allow her to not sleep. Every night she dreams of him. Every dawn she wakes to an emptiness that will never be filled.
She knows he loves her. She never doubts it for a minute. She doesn't know why he stopped coming. She will wait until he's ready to come back. No other man will ever take his place in her life. He was the one meant for her.
After many years the woman dies. Her funeral is small. She doesn't have many family and fewer friends. All that is there is a Great Niece who barely knew her and a young handsome man. He smiles at the niece and asks her to have a drink with him. He tells her he was once close to her aunt. She taught him many things. The greatest lesson of all was that through all the worlds heartache and pain there is nothing stronger than love. It can not be severed by any, even the hand of a god. She taught him that facing the truth isn't the same thing as moving on.
He worships the ground she walks on. That raises some interesting questions. A god worshipping a mortal must break some universal rule. He's a god, what is the point of being a god if you can't break a few rules. He watches her as she goes about it her day. He watches as she bathes. He watches her prepare their meals. He watches her sleep. Strange how being in love breaks rules all on it's own. If they weren't in love he'd be the creepiest of creepers.
She lives to be with him. She works to pay the bills. She make the decisions she knows will make him happy. She dresses the way she knows he finds attractive. Overall she's every girl alive. If they weren't in love she'd be pathetic.
One day as he watches her he notices a wrinkle. This wrinkle doesn't make her unattractive to him. She could be as wrinkled as a pug dog and he would still love her. But, he pauses. She didn't have that wrinkle yesterday. It's okay that she's getting wrinkles. It's what happens after wrinkles that he's worried about. She is mortal. She is going to die and he is going to have to watch and not be able to help. That thought terrifies him.
She returns home and makes dinner. She waits for him but he doesn't come. She eats dinner in front of the tv. Bedtime comes and he's still not here. She goes to bed knowing she'll see him in the morning. Dawn breaks and there has been no sound from the god. The woman doesn't sleep at all. She wakes and takes a shower. She gets dressed and goes to work. What else can she do. Sadness and worry won't pay the bills.
Days turn into weeks which turn to years. She has fallen into a routine. Every day she comes home and cook dinner for two. Every day she eats hers in front of the tv. Every night she goes to bed alone. She no longer waits restlessly for him. Her body won't allow her to not sleep. Every night she dreams of him. Every dawn she wakes to an emptiness that will never be filled.
She knows he loves her. She never doubts it for a minute. She doesn't know why he stopped coming. She will wait until he's ready to come back. No other man will ever take his place in her life. He was the one meant for her.
After many years the woman dies. Her funeral is small. She doesn't have many family and fewer friends. All that is there is a Great Niece who barely knew her and a young handsome man. He smiles at the niece and asks her to have a drink with him. He tells her he was once close to her aunt. She taught him many things. The greatest lesson of all was that through all the worlds heartache and pain there is nothing stronger than love. It can not be severed by any, even the hand of a god. She taught him that facing the truth isn't the same thing as moving on.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
The Reading pt 2
In my previous blog I explained my layout. This blog I will do a preliminary reading stating the facts as they are. For anyone with any knowledge of Tarot readings I will let you know this is my first attempt at a reading. I am an amateur, but I am choosing to do this the way that feels right to me. I am using "The Druid Craft Tarot" Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm as my reference. In this blog I will type up the meanings as I understand them. Next blog I will put it all together. This is a good exercise for me to gain some understanding of the tarot as well as some insight into my life.
Court Card = King of Wands
The ideal person to be in charge of an orginization. They inspire others to co-operate with them. They are often lively adn amusing, freedom loving and ambitious. They make passionate lovers but have a longing for freedom. Decisive and strong-willed they can be unsympathetic towards others negativity or weakness.
Pip Card = Five of Pentacles (reversed)
Initiation, change, freedom, rebirth, embodiment. Beyond the pain the ecstasy.
A turning point may have arrived. You could be emerging from a difficult period. A reconciliation may be possible.
Court Card = Prince of Swords
(Funny story before I start. I read through the Court Cards before I had even decided to attempt a reading. When I got to this card I thought this card is Matt. Take that as you will. It's a true story)
An intelligent, articulate and quick-witted person. They enjoy an intellectual challenge. They will often engage in an argument or discussion for pleasure alone. They can suffer from being too impetuous or too righteous. They are inventive, insightful, skilful, and brave. They are witty, though their wit can sometimes be cynicl or ironic.
Pip Card - Two of Wands (reversed)
Join the dance. Expierence it's beauty and it's depth. To dance courageiously with commitment and with consciousness is to live life to the fullest.
This card revolves around the release of tension. A miracle can occur, a sudden change (usually joyful) can take place. A decision can be made in a moment that resolves a long period of tension.
Major Arcana = The Hanged Man
Go deeper now, and let go of your striving. True freedom and independence is found through surrender.
The Hanged Man signifies a time of waiting and paitence. Part of this waiting involves experiencing emotional life at a deeper level. It symbolizes the surrender to a greater power.
Court Card = King of Swords (reversed)
This may suggest the corrupt and heartless use of power, or an unscrupulous person who deliberately with holds information. Communication has been distored so that it is now used in a hurtful, schemeing, or slanderous manner.
Pip Card = Eight of Cups (reversed)
Working with the flow of life. I sow and I harvest. I give birth to my world.
It is possible you have considered leaving a situation or relationship, but the time to leave may not have come. It may still give joy and be of value. The card can indicate that you fear intimacy or commitment, or tha you are resisting spending time alone. It can sometimes signify emotional exhuastion.
Major Arcana = The Lady
Open yourself to the fertile nurturing power of the Goddess. This power will fill you with passion and the ability to be creative and to enjoy a life of abundance and sensual delight.
The lady signifies abundance and fertility. You may be experienceing a phase of passion in your life, either sexually or motherly. You will be living life through your feelings and your sensuality rather than your intellect. While the card traditionally represents marriage or pregnancy, these terms should be understood in thier widest and deepest sense. The Lady encoursages you to open to love and to trust.
Court Card = Prince of Pentacles
This represents stead, reliable, and practical people. They will be abitious, but know how to work patiently and realistically towards their goals. Beneath their conventional appearance they are sensuous and passionate. They value security, order, and dependability.
Pip Card = Seven of Cups (reversed)
Looking within I explore the shining stars.
This may mean that you have made a mature decision not to satisy your immediate desires, but instead to work towards a goal that will bring it's own rewards later. Alternativley the card could indicate either losing touch with reality or making realistic plans based on common sense.
Major Arcana = Justice
With clarity and discrimination, poised between past and future, the decision is made with compassionate understanding.
Time for making a decision or a choice. All things have their season and your job is to act with he honesty and integrity demanded by justice. It's possibly you are being called to account for your actions
When coming to a decision you may have to judge whether the time has come for severity - in other words, to discipline, for saying no, or for removing something from your life - or for mercy, for acceptance, for saying yes. Both approaches can be undertaken with compassion and understanding.
Court Card = Princess of cups
This represents love. Someone who is sensitive to the world of feelings and of dreams. The chalice symbolizes the heart and they cradle it tenderly and with care.
Pip Card = Six of Cups (reversed)
Meeting at last, there is union. Serenity flows from me at this point of balance.
This sybolizes a need to release old wounds and difficult memories. You may be clinging inappropriately to someone or an event that has long since ceased being of value to you.
Major Arcana = The Wheel
You can see the patterns in your life and the wider pattern in the cycles of Birth, Life, Death and Rebirth. Harvesting the seeds of destiny, you continueto sow seeds of love.
Trusting in the process of life. May indicate that one season or cycle in your life is coming to an end and another is beginning. You can release some of the control you try to keep over your relationships and trust to the wheel of life.
ME
Court Card = King of Wands
The ideal person to be in charge of an orginization. They inspire others to co-operate with them. They are often lively adn amusing, freedom loving and ambitious. They make passionate lovers but have a longing for freedom. Decisive and strong-willed they can be unsympathetic towards others negativity or weakness.
Pip Card = Five of Pentacles (reversed)
The message of the fives
Initiation, change, freedom, rebirth, embodiment. Beyond the pain the ecstasy.
A turning point may have arrived. You could be emerging from a difficult period. A reconciliation may be possible.
MATT
Court Card = Prince of Swords
(Funny story before I start. I read through the Court Cards before I had even decided to attempt a reading. When I got to this card I thought this card is Matt. Take that as you will. It's a true story)
An intelligent, articulate and quick-witted person. They enjoy an intellectual challenge. They will often engage in an argument or discussion for pleasure alone. They can suffer from being too impetuous or too righteous. They are inventive, insightful, skilful, and brave. They are witty, though their wit can sometimes be cynicl or ironic.
Pip Card - Two of Wands (reversed)
The message of the twos
Join the dance. Expierence it's beauty and it's depth. To dance courageiously with commitment and with consciousness is to live life to the fullest.
This card revolves around the release of tension. A miracle can occur, a sudden change (usually joyful) can take place. A decision can be made in a moment that resolves a long period of tension.
Major Arcana = The Hanged Man
The message of The Hanged Man
Go deeper now, and let go of your striving. True freedom and independence is found through surrender.
The Hanged Man signifies a time of waiting and paitence. Part of this waiting involves experiencing emotional life at a deeper level. It symbolizes the surrender to a greater power.
Jack (Jacobus)
Court Card = King of Swords (reversed)
This may suggest the corrupt and heartless use of power, or an unscrupulous person who deliberately with holds information. Communication has been distored so that it is now used in a hurtful, schemeing, or slanderous manner.
Pip Card = Eight of Cups (reversed)
The message of the eights
Working with the flow of life. I sow and I harvest. I give birth to my world.
It is possible you have considered leaving a situation or relationship, but the time to leave may not have come. It may still give joy and be of value. The card can indicate that you fear intimacy or commitment, or tha you are resisting spending time alone. It can sometimes signify emotional exhuastion.
Major Arcana = The Lady
The message of The Lady
Open yourself to the fertile nurturing power of the Goddess. This power will fill you with passion and the ability to be creative and to enjoy a life of abundance and sensual delight.
The lady signifies abundance and fertility. You may be experienceing a phase of passion in your life, either sexually or motherly. You will be living life through your feelings and your sensuality rather than your intellect. While the card traditionally represents marriage or pregnancy, these terms should be understood in thier widest and deepest sense. The Lady encoursages you to open to love and to trust.
Joel
Court Card = Prince of Pentacles
This represents stead, reliable, and practical people. They will be abitious, but know how to work patiently and realistically towards their goals. Beneath their conventional appearance they are sensuous and passionate. They value security, order, and dependability.
Pip Card = Seven of Cups (reversed)
The message of sevens
Looking within I explore the shining stars.
This may mean that you have made a mature decision not to satisy your immediate desires, but instead to work towards a goal that will bring it's own rewards later. Alternativley the card could indicate either losing touch with reality or making realistic plans based on common sense.
Major Arcana = Justice
The message of Justice
With clarity and discrimination, poised between past and future, the decision is made with compassionate understanding.
Time for making a decision or a choice. All things have their season and your job is to act with he honesty and integrity demanded by justice. It's possibly you are being called to account for your actions
When coming to a decision you may have to judge whether the time has come for severity - in other words, to discipline, for saying no, or for removing something from your life - or for mercy, for acceptance, for saying yes. Both approaches can be undertaken with compassion and understanding.
The Unknown
Court Card = Princess of cups
This represents love. Someone who is sensitive to the world of feelings and of dreams. The chalice symbolizes the heart and they cradle it tenderly and with care.
Pip Card = Six of Cups (reversed)
Message of the sixes
Meeting at last, there is union. Serenity flows from me at this point of balance.
This sybolizes a need to release old wounds and difficult memories. You may be clinging inappropriately to someone or an event that has long since ceased being of value to you.
Major Arcana = The Wheel
The message of The Wheel
You can see the patterns in your life and the wider pattern in the cycles of Birth, Life, Death and Rebirth. Harvesting the seeds of destiny, you continueto sow seeds of love.
Trusting in the process of life. May indicate that one season or cycle in your life is coming to an end and another is beginning. You can release some of the control you try to keep over your relationships and trust to the wheel of life.
Monday, August 8, 2011
A Neko Reads the Tarot part 1
A few months ago I purchased a tarot deck. It isn't a traditional tarot deck. It's "The Druid Craft Tarot". The art is amazing. But I hadn't had a chance to do anything with it. Today I decided to play with them. My focus of course on my totally messed up personal life. I choose a layout made mostly of intuition. Okay it was made totally out of intuition. I place the cards and named them based on what sounded right.
It's a basic cross type layout. I placed the card representing me in the middle. On my left I placed Matt. This seemed right. He is closest to my heart on this side. The left side is traditionally where an honored guest would sit. It was the side of Jesus that Judas sat at the last supper. It shows my great affection and love for him. It is also the hand of the betrayer.
Jack I placed opposite Matt. In my head they are opposites. They both have things in common with me but those things are on either side of my personality. Jack states communication is important to him and then does not communicate. Matt states he's not good an communication but works hard to make sure I understand him. So opposite Matt seems the best place for Jack.
Joel I placed above me. I don't have a specific reason for this. It seemed important to me that he be there. It seemed the right place for him to go. But I have no reason for this.
And below me an unknown factor. Because in life there is always an unknown factor. The unknown is always below. Under the bed waiting to jump out.
This is the layout. I placed a court card in each of these spots representing each of us. I then placed a pip card representing the connection between us. The pip card on me represents my state of mind regarding my personal life. And finally, a major arcana on each of the boys represeting a possible solution or step forward.
The card layout was as follows:
Me: Court card - King of Wands.
Pip card - Five of Pentacles (reversed)
Matt: Court card - Prince of Swords
Pip card - Two of Wands (reversed)
Major Arcana - The Hanged Man
Jack: Court card - King of Swords (reversed)
Pip card - Eight of Cups (reversed)
Major Arcana - The Lady
Joel: Court card - Prince of Pentacles
Pip card - Seven of Cups (reversed)
Major Arcana - Justice
Unknown: Court card - Princess of cups
Pip card - Six of cups(reversed)
Major Arcana - The Wheel
For anyone who reads this and knows something about the tarot The Princess cards are more commonly known as the Paige and the Prince cards the Knight.
Coming soon to a Neko blog near you ... The reading as read by me. It's late and I am messaging with an unknown factor. I'm having some concentration issues.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
A Neko Posts a little blog
I would like to preface this blog by stating that Matt has asked to have his blog initial changed to X as that would be cooler. So from this point forward Matt will be referred to as X instead of M.
And about X. I have a hard time believing he doesn't love me any longer. Why is this? Very simple, he can not look me in the eyes and tell me he just wants to be friends. He can't look me in the eyes and tell me exactly what it is he does want. However, if he didn't love me he wouldn't have this issue. Well I suppose if he didn't love me he could be confused on whether he wanted to be friends or just wanted me out of his life. But he wouldn't be confused by whether he wanted to be just friends or wanted more.
He's so simple sometimes in his confusion. I have a theory on the bigger issue and I may share that at some point. But I need to iron out the details.
This has been the Neko's little blog. Next blog we will discover someone new in the Neko's life and how this is affecting her. Oh and for anyone interested X and I are dating. We are not bf/gf but we are dating and we will see how this goes and what develops. For not I am happy to have him close to me in any way at all.
And about X. I have a hard time believing he doesn't love me any longer. Why is this? Very simple, he can not look me in the eyes and tell me he just wants to be friends. He can't look me in the eyes and tell me exactly what it is he does want. However, if he didn't love me he wouldn't have this issue. Well I suppose if he didn't love me he could be confused on whether he wanted to be friends or just wanted me out of his life. But he wouldn't be confused by whether he wanted to be just friends or wanted more.
He's so simple sometimes in his confusion. I have a theory on the bigger issue and I may share that at some point. But I need to iron out the details.
This has been the Neko's little blog. Next blog we will discover someone new in the Neko's life and how this is affecting her. Oh and for anyone interested X and I are dating. We are not bf/gf but we are dating and we will see how this goes and what develops. For not I am happy to have him close to me in any way at all.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
In past blogs I admitted to not being able to move forward and to be doing my best to remove M from my life. Well that went as far as me telling him that was what I was doing.
Sometimes it takes soemthing extreme to clear away the misconceptions. I told him I was going to attempt to move on without him. Probably not in so many words, but what I did say galvanized him enough to plan a "date".
I use the term "date" because I don't know what other term to use. We are getting together. We will go out and do something fun. We will talk and work on our relationship. For all practical purposes it's a date. Just so we know I'd like it to end with a … :p
I've switched pens and now I am writing with the world as my eraser… Nothing brings out a nightmare like the idea of being erased by the world.
That is what is currently going on with the saga of M. In other saga's , Joel has started sitting with me whenever possible. He is nice to talk to. He will listen to me whine about anything and everything. He will discuss things with me and give his thoughts and opinons. This is important to me. I don't like guessing what I guy is thinking.
Another slow development. Someone I would really like to know better …. I mad an unusal move and approached him first. He responded favorably, but there has been no further forward movement. Well maybe a little. I feel like I should make the next move but I don't know what that move should be.
I would like to take this moment to say if I bang the earth on my desk it flashes red.
So in conclusion, M has made a giant step forward in working towards the reparation of our relationship, Joel is a super nice guy I enjoy spending time with, And one other showed interested in talking to me, but seems difficult for me to approach. Yet approach him I intend to do I am just waiting for the right moment or the right idea to appear.
WISH ME LUCK STALKERS =^_^=
Odd that everytime I write a blog like this something happens that changes part of what I wrote. The 3rd person I talk about who is currently nameless made a successful move by talking to me. :D
Monday, June 27, 2011
A Neko is feeling kind of Enko
So I am currently writing two blogs at one time. One about the Grand Rapids Slutwalk. This one is going to be about me. About realizations that hit me, AGAIN, this weekend.
I went to a movie with a really nice guy. I mean it, he's a really nice guy. I had a good time, but I was nervous going. Kelvin asked me if it was a date. I didn't know if it was or even if I wanted it to be. I still don't know. I am pretty lame that way. I did enjoy myself, but ... I don't know how to put any of this into words.
Let me start by saying I have been trying really hard to move on. It may not seem that way as all my blogs are about the same thing. However, I truly have been making a valiant effort. I do not want o spend my whole life missing M. Well not actively missing him I should say. I will always miss him.
I took a very large step on my part toward moving on. I informed him that I was stepping away from what was increasing becoming a one-sided relationship. Since I am striving to be as truthful as possible I will admit I had hoped an still hope that he will not allow me to write him off. But, holding on to that hope is a poor way of moving on.
My 2nd step was going out to the movie. I spent a good third of the movie wishing M was there with me. I really can't go on this way. I also can't seem to help myself. Mentally I have accepted that M does not want anything to do with me. Emotionally this acceptance is killing me.
When B and I broke up I thew myself back into the dating scene. I went on dates and enjoyed myself immensely. Not once on these dates did I wish it was B that I was with. I enjoyed getting to know people even if we didn't date. This is when I met M. The following is going to be all kinds of fluffy, sappy stuff. Deal with it or close the window.
I met a man from NC on a dating site. We talked for a while and decided we should meet. I made plans to go visit him. I was very excited and nervous about the whole endeavor. The night before I left I get a yahoo message from someone I had send a message to on the same dating site. We talked all day. He sent me messages my entire drive to NC. Talking to him struck some sort of chord with me. I was more excited to hit a rest area so I could check my messages than I was to reach Asheville. I wanted to share my trip with him. I wanted him to understand what I was seeing.when I saw the mountains for the first time, when a butterfly landed on me as I was getting ready to message him. I missed him when I reached my destination and could no longer talk to him. a man I haven't even met and I was missing him.
I was excited for my trip home because I would be able to talk to him again. And talk to him I did. I talked to him in chat hours after I got home. Until Kyle burst in because I hadn't told him I was home. In truth I had lied to Kyle and told him I was going to be late because I didn't want to deal with him.
That was an odd little side jump. I suppose just thinking of that day made me think of this. This was the night Kyle tried to convince me he had always had a crush on me. He made awesome references to things that never happened. I don't understand how he thought I would fall for that crap.
My point before my little side trip was that for the next 5 days we talked a lot. The first phone conversation lasted for hours. This never stopped. We can to this day talk for hours if I could get him to talk to me. I was in love with him before I met him.
The day I met him I was the most nervous I have ever been. I showered twice that day. I shaved and lotioned parts of me no one will ever see. He was nervous because he hadn't gotten the apartment cleaned. That was the least of my worries. I am an older overweight, unattractive woman, what could he possibly see in me. It turns out nothing.
When I first saw him my first thought was "he's not cute." Sounds mean doesn't it. It took just a few hours and I saw that he is cute. It has less to do with his looks and more to do with who he is. I still think he's cute. I will even when he's old and ugly.
One thing he never understood was why I Could be jealous of other girls. He doesn't understand what I see when I look at him. Also the way he tries to make everyone happy could make me jealous and angry. Angry two-fold.
1. Because he is rarely happy. He is so busy making everyone else happy he isn't.
2. I never knew if he wanted to be with me, if he wanted to do thing things we did together ... I still don't know.
I started this by wanting to share my realization that I am not moving on. I ended up with the Story of Us. It's not wonder he avoids me. Who wants to talk to someone who can't stop loving them. Has to raise the stress level sky high.
I went to a movie with a really nice guy. I mean it, he's a really nice guy. I had a good time, but I was nervous going. Kelvin asked me if it was a date. I didn't know if it was or even if I wanted it to be. I still don't know. I am pretty lame that way. I did enjoy myself, but ... I don't know how to put any of this into words.
Let me start by saying I have been trying really hard to move on. It may not seem that way as all my blogs are about the same thing. However, I truly have been making a valiant effort. I do not want o spend my whole life missing M. Well not actively missing him I should say. I will always miss him.
I took a very large step on my part toward moving on. I informed him that I was stepping away from what was increasing becoming a one-sided relationship. Since I am striving to be as truthful as possible I will admit I had hoped an still hope that he will not allow me to write him off. But, holding on to that hope is a poor way of moving on.
My 2nd step was going out to the movie. I spent a good third of the movie wishing M was there with me. I really can't go on this way. I also can't seem to help myself. Mentally I have accepted that M does not want anything to do with me. Emotionally this acceptance is killing me.
When B and I broke up I thew myself back into the dating scene. I went on dates and enjoyed myself immensely. Not once on these dates did I wish it was B that I was with. I enjoyed getting to know people even if we didn't date. This is when I met M. The following is going to be all kinds of fluffy, sappy stuff. Deal with it or close the window.
I met a man from NC on a dating site. We talked for a while and decided we should meet. I made plans to go visit him. I was very excited and nervous about the whole endeavor. The night before I left I get a yahoo message from someone I had send a message to on the same dating site. We talked all day. He sent me messages my entire drive to NC. Talking to him struck some sort of chord with me. I was more excited to hit a rest area so I could check my messages than I was to reach Asheville. I wanted to share my trip with him. I wanted him to understand what I was seeing.when I saw the mountains for the first time, when a butterfly landed on me as I was getting ready to message him. I missed him when I reached my destination and could no longer talk to him. a man I haven't even met and I was missing him.
I was excited for my trip home because I would be able to talk to him again. And talk to him I did. I talked to him in chat hours after I got home. Until Kyle burst in because I hadn't told him I was home. In truth I had lied to Kyle and told him I was going to be late because I didn't want to deal with him.
That was an odd little side jump. I suppose just thinking of that day made me think of this. This was the night Kyle tried to convince me he had always had a crush on me. He made awesome references to things that never happened. I don't understand how he thought I would fall for that crap.
My point before my little side trip was that for the next 5 days we talked a lot. The first phone conversation lasted for hours. This never stopped. We can to this day talk for hours if I could get him to talk to me. I was in love with him before I met him.
The day I met him I was the most nervous I have ever been. I showered twice that day. I shaved and lotioned parts of me no one will ever see. He was nervous because he hadn't gotten the apartment cleaned. That was the least of my worries. I am an older overweight, unattractive woman, what could he possibly see in me. It turns out nothing.
When I first saw him my first thought was "he's not cute." Sounds mean doesn't it. It took just a few hours and I saw that he is cute. It has less to do with his looks and more to do with who he is. I still think he's cute. I will even when he's old and ugly.
One thing he never understood was why I Could be jealous of other girls. He doesn't understand what I see when I look at him. Also the way he tries to make everyone happy could make me jealous and angry. Angry two-fold.
1. Because he is rarely happy. He is so busy making everyone else happy he isn't.
2. I never knew if he wanted to be with me, if he wanted to do thing things we did together ... I still don't know.
I started this by wanting to share my realization that I am not moving on. I ended up with the Story of Us. It's not wonder he avoids me. Who wants to talk to someone who can't stop loving them. Has to raise the stress level sky high.
A Neko Walks the Walk
I've had so much to say about the Slutwalk Saturday. I thought I would wait a couple days and let the thoughts cool down a bit so I didn't go off on an irrelevant rant. This may not have been the best idea. Two days later and it doesn't seem to matter as much.
The general idea of the Slutwalk still matters a lot. The anger I felt towards some of the things said bout it not so much. That's pretty much it. My anger is not important. Still I will try to put my thoughts into words.
I brought Jenny with me to the walk. There were a few words said about this but not many. I don't believe in anyway that means people didn't have opinions about this. I was just very vocal about my reason for bringing her. Jenny is no longer a child She is 17 years old. She got o actually meet Alex (her boyfriend) for the first time. He seems like a very nice boy. Yes maybe he's not, but if she worries to much abut that she'll be single forever ... like me. Now on to the hot points.
I read comments to news stories about the walk . Most people seem confused regarding the purpose of the walk. One person stated a whole slew of horrible things happening in the world ie: hunger, war, and the right to abortions being taken away ... and was confused that women were protesting the right to wear what they want. Is that what people think we were walking for? The right to dress the way we want. We already have that right don't we? We were walking for the right to say no and have it mean something.
Another comment that got me hot was regarding the type of women that were in the walk. A lame comment about how it would take too much scotch to make them passable for any of them to have anything to worry about. Are you freakin' kidding me? Not only is this comment incorrect and in poor taste ... well it's in poor taste. See I can't speak logically when angry.
Anyone with half a brain knows that rape is not about sex. It's about power. It's about control. My mother told me a story about her friends mother-in-law. This woman, in her 80's, was raped in her home. She died 6 months later. I am pretty sure she wasn't strutting around town in her "SLUT WEAR" "ASKING FOR IT".
I will get off my soap box and leave this issue be. I rarely have a lot of opinion to state on most subjects, but this is one that strikes me hard. One of my biggest fears is for my daughter to be raped.
The general idea of the Slutwalk still matters a lot. The anger I felt towards some of the things said bout it not so much. That's pretty much it. My anger is not important. Still I will try to put my thoughts into words.
I brought Jenny with me to the walk. There were a few words said about this but not many. I don't believe in anyway that means people didn't have opinions about this. I was just very vocal about my reason for bringing her. Jenny is no longer a child She is 17 years old. She got o actually meet Alex (her boyfriend) for the first time. He seems like a very nice boy. Yes maybe he's not, but if she worries to much abut that she'll be single forever ... like me. Now on to the hot points.
I read comments to news stories about the walk . Most people seem confused regarding the purpose of the walk. One person stated a whole slew of horrible things happening in the world ie: hunger, war, and the right to abortions being taken away ... and was confused that women were protesting the right to wear what they want. Is that what people think we were walking for? The right to dress the way we want. We already have that right don't we? We were walking for the right to say no and have it mean something.
Another comment that got me hot was regarding the type of women that were in the walk. A lame comment about how it would take too much scotch to make them passable for any of them to have anything to worry about. Are you freakin' kidding me? Not only is this comment incorrect and in poor taste ... well it's in poor taste. See I can't speak logically when angry.
Anyone with half a brain knows that rape is not about sex. It's about power. It's about control. My mother told me a story about her friends mother-in-law. This woman, in her 80's, was raped in her home. She died 6 months later. I am pretty sure she wasn't strutting around town in her "SLUT WEAR" "ASKING FOR IT".
I will get off my soap box and leave this issue be. I rarely have a lot of opinion to state on most subjects, but this is one that strikes me hard. One of my biggest fears is for my daughter to be raped.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
A Neko let's go
Letting go is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm crying like a baby knowing I'll never get a chance to see if there was something worth fixing. I'm stressing myself and M out though. I'm just making things worse.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
HE ASKS "HOW ARE YOU?"
She asks "What do you want me to say? That I look at your picture every morning and I miss you?"
She asks " What do you want me to say? That another man has caught my eye. That every time I think of being with him it makes me sad, because he isn't you?"
She asks "What do you want me to say? That I used to go to bed knowing I was loved and now I go to bed and cry?"
She asks "What do you want me to say? That when I visit places we used to go I remember better times?"
She asks " What do you want me to say? That when I sleep at night I dream of you?"
He asks "Are you okay?"
She asks " What do you want to hear? I am happy. I am moving on. I miss you."
Monday, June 13, 2011
Neko is a Scaredy Chicken Cat
In an attempt to build up my courage I am going to write about what a chicken shit I am.
I like meeting new people. I like making new friends. I am too frightened to make the first move. I have gotten better … sort of.
Now I can sometimes get myself to friend people that interest me on facebook. Because I don't have to look at them when I do it. The idea is when I have them trapped on my facebook I can feed them tid bits to earn their trust and maybe one day when I'm not looking I'll turn around and they'll have responded to a tid bit. It's a slow drawn out process of trust building. And now I feel like you are all stray cats.
When I get people on my facebook … I am too afraid to talk to them. Somehow I have ended up with a belief that they don't really want to talk to me. That I am not worth the effort it would take to get to know me.
I know how silly this may sound, after all why would they accept my friend request if they didn't want to get to know me? Let's be truthful. How many facebook friends do you have that you don't really care to hear from? (Richard you are not allowed to answer this question … I am certain you are the exception to the rule) Sometimes people accept friend requests out of habit; sometimes to keep the peace. So as silly as it sounds I can't assume people want to talk to me.
In summary if I have friended you on facebook I probably want to get to know you (unless I already know you then it's just because you're a friend) Hopefully I will get up the courage to talk to you at some point. If I don't feel free to talk to me and call me a Neko Chicken Cat. <3
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Sarah Learns Her Lesson
Sarah watched the little man picking flowers out of her mothers garden. She knew she should stop him, but the last time she tried he almost bit her finger off. She kept a close eye on the porch door. When her mother found those flowers gone Sarah was going to get in alot of trouble. The last time her mother had promised if it ever happened again she would be shipped off to New York to stay with Uncle George and Aunt Shell. Uncle George was the director of a summer camp for troubled youth. Sarah had a hard time understanding how a few missing flowers made her a troubled youth. Especially since she didn't actually pick the flowers. When the little man had first started picking the flowers, Sarah had tried to explain what happened to her mother. She had been grounded for two weeks. One for picking the flowers and one for making up faerie stories. No one could say Sarah wasn't a quick learner, she never tried to tell her mom about the little man again. She did, however, try ways to get out of trouble. She tried reasoning with her mother. If she had picked the flowers where were they? Her mother didn't care where they were just that they were gone. It didn't matter what she did or what she said her mother never believed her. She tried spending days inside so that her mother couldn't blame her. Her mother, however, claimed she was being lazy and sent her outside anyway.
Today she had another plan. If her mother didn't want to believe her she would find proof her mother couldn't argue with. She waited patiently for him to finish picking flowers and start walking towards the backyard. She got up to quietly follow him. She didn't know how well this would work. He never seemed to notice she was there unless she physically touched him, but you never knew with little men. She kept following him, keeping well enough behind so he was less likely to notice her. It didn't seem to make a difference, the man was pretty much oblivious to any of his surroundings. He just plodded on towards where ever it was he was heading, and Sarah kept a steady pace behind him. They entered the woods behind her house. Sarah almost stopped at this point, remembering her mothers warnings about the things that were waiting for silly little girls in the woods, but this was too important. Sarah would rather be eaten alive by trolls than spend an entire summer with Uncle George and his troubled youth.
The little man stopped suddenly by a cave and went in. Sarah waited about a minute and entered the cave as well. It was just the right sized for her to crawl through. If it had been a bit smaller she wouldn't have been able to follow, a bit larger and she would have been a little more comfortable. Comfort was not the objective here though, catching the flower thief was. The small tunnel part of the cave abruptly ended in a large cavern. The little man was sitting at a stone table in the middle of the cavern. He smiled at Sarah like he had been expecting her. Sarah looked at the table and the plates and cups lying there and decided it was too much and turned to leave. She felt the slight breeze of someone moving. She watched a shadow on the wall loom up behind her. She felt a sharp pain as something heavy hit the back of her head and a feeling like falling through air. This is it she thought to herself. I will be eaten by trolls, but I won't have to spend the summer with Uncle George.
Today she had another plan. If her mother didn't want to believe her she would find proof her mother couldn't argue with. She waited patiently for him to finish picking flowers and start walking towards the backyard. She got up to quietly follow him. She didn't know how well this would work. He never seemed to notice she was there unless she physically touched him, but you never knew with little men. She kept following him, keeping well enough behind so he was less likely to notice her. It didn't seem to make a difference, the man was pretty much oblivious to any of his surroundings. He just plodded on towards where ever it was he was heading, and Sarah kept a steady pace behind him. They entered the woods behind her house. Sarah almost stopped at this point, remembering her mothers warnings about the things that were waiting for silly little girls in the woods, but this was too important. Sarah would rather be eaten alive by trolls than spend an entire summer with Uncle George and his troubled youth.
The little man stopped suddenly by a cave and went in. Sarah waited about a minute and entered the cave as well. It was just the right sized for her to crawl through. If it had been a bit smaller she wouldn't have been able to follow, a bit larger and she would have been a little more comfortable. Comfort was not the objective here though, catching the flower thief was. The small tunnel part of the cave abruptly ended in a large cavern. The little man was sitting at a stone table in the middle of the cavern. He smiled at Sarah like he had been expecting her. Sarah looked at the table and the plates and cups lying there and decided it was too much and turned to leave. She felt the slight breeze of someone moving. She watched a shadow on the wall loom up behind her. She felt a sharp pain as something heavy hit the back of her head and a feeling like falling through air. This is it she thought to herself. I will be eaten by trolls, but I won't have to spend the summer with Uncle George.
A Neko states her non opinion
I am not sure how to start this blog. I have half a dozen scribbled out attempts above this. My ant responded to something I wrote on facebook with a response that emphasises the topic of this blog. I know emphasise isn't the word I wanted there but I can't come up with the word I need. It's sitting on the tip of my tongue doing the macrena and laughing at me.
When Someone important to us is hurt by someone else we try to comfort them. We tell them they are better than that person. We tell them not to blame themselves it's the other persons fault. We tell them how amazing they are and how horrible the other person is. We tell them how it's the other person who is the problem.
I am not saying any of this is incorrect, but it can't always be true. There are two people in every relationship. Each of them has a group of friends telling them the other person is at fault. If there is a fault to be had it stands to reason only one set of friends is wrong. If there is a shared fault it should be just that … shared. Sometimes there is no fault at all.
We all have people we think are amazing. In fact these people are amazing. On the other hand we all have people we think are horrible. Now the horrible people have friends who think they are amazing. And I'm certain they are correct. Our most amazing friend has someone out there who thinks they are horrible. You see where I'm going with this right?
I am not trying to say we shouldn't comfort and support our friends. I am merely trying to explain how my mind sees this situation. This is how my brain works. This is life through my eyes.
I can't just see your POV. I really can't even just see my own POV. Every story has at least two sides. Every side has a reason for their actions. It is unfair in my mind to not look at both sides of a story. Sometimes the villain is clear sometimes it takes some deducing. Sometimes there is not villain. It is unfair to the parties involved to not look at both of their stories before decided who in my opinion is at fault. It is unfair to me to limit my perspective. I also want to point out that I clearly used the word OPINION. A decision like this is normally purely opinion and should be treated as such. My opinion doesn't have to be the same as yours and ours does not have to be the same as mine. That noted I do try to make my opinions based off all the facts and that is what this blog is about.
Side note …I find people dislike this on the fence attitude about me. The don't agree with my philosophies in life. It's their way or the highway so to speak. If I were to say (and we'll use religion because it's a hot topic) I am an atheist they would have more respect for me than when I tell them I am agnostic. I really think I'd get more respect being a satanist. Because people can't understand my thought process. They are so certain they are right all they can understand is a person with the same certainty about their beliefs. Someone saying I don't know rubs them the wrong way.
A lot of this comfort comes in form of the blame game. It's his fault because he did that. It's her fault because she forgot that date. To me blaming others is tantamount to lying to yourself. IE .. the situation with Bill's dad. I hate him. I hate his wife. I hate that they strive to make my life as difficult as possible. (I want to quickly note that hate is not an easy emotion for me. I don't like the way it feels to hate someone so I tend not to do it.) These are things they do to make me feel this way about them. I hate them but I can't blame the entire issue I have with this custody issue on them. I am to easy going. I try to make things as quick and painless as possible. I want what's best for Bill. Sometimes I'm wrong about what that is. If I had been stronger and stood up for myself things would be different.
I am a firm believer in not taking blame for something you didn't do. On the other hand, if someone is to blame we shouldn't give me license to transfer blame to another source. We have an obligation to be truthful and fair to those important to us. We can be supportive and comforting and truthful all at the same time. IE .. again a piece e of my life; my current financial conundrum. It is my fault. I am fully to blame. I can whine about change in my finances and a too large child support payment. But I am still to blame for my situation. It is stressful and I can use emotional support but not lies.
Well here we are again … another discussion bout lying to make people happy. I still don't agree with it..
THE END
Monday, June 6, 2011
A Neko's guide to a good scary movie.
Written from the view point of a watcher and not a movie maker.
1. Keep it a secret
Nothing is as scary as the unknown. Once you know it's Fred from elementary school who's leaving you all the dead kitties it's easy to come up with a game plan. Once you know that he best way to get rid of Fred is to introduce him to Janet who's been leaving dead puppies at your boyfriend's house .... well he's no longer scary.
2. Keep it simple
Maybe it's just me ... but the more complex a plot is the less scary it becomes. When it's simple and there aren't a lot of twists and turns it's scarier. If you are keeping it a secret you really don't need too many plot twists anyway.
3. Make the twists and turns you do have worth the pencil they are written with.
I.E ... make them believable and relevant. When Auntie Sue Bell turns out to be the hairy butcher you accidently deep fried when you were 12 make sure we know the reason he's now Auntie Sue Bell is because you did irreversible damage to his man parts. Also we want Auntie Sue Bell to come back to revenge said man parts and not to start a pudding shop down on main street.
4. Don't pander to our desire to see good win.
Just because the hero doesn't die at the end of the movie doesn't mean he needs to be safe. Who knows Fred and Auntie Sue Bell may have fostered a young boy child who hungers for your toe nail clippings.
5. Make it innocent.
Nothings is scarier than something we trust. Who would ever expect that young Freddie Bell will kill you for your toenails. He's so sweet and angelic with his pretty blonde hair and sharp pointy teeth. And the cute little puppy at this side. Well the most adorable little man eater you ever did see. I had no idea he preferred your eye socket over a fire hydrant.
I am sure there are a lot of other things we can add to this and I welcome any and all suggestions. I am not claiming to be a guru of all things scary, but I know what I like to see.
1. Keep it a secret
Nothing is as scary as the unknown. Once you know it's Fred from elementary school who's leaving you all the dead kitties it's easy to come up with a game plan. Once you know that he best way to get rid of Fred is to introduce him to Janet who's been leaving dead puppies at your boyfriend's house .... well he's no longer scary.
2. Keep it simple
Maybe it's just me ... but the more complex a plot is the less scary it becomes. When it's simple and there aren't a lot of twists and turns it's scarier. If you are keeping it a secret you really don't need too many plot twists anyway.
3. Make the twists and turns you do have worth the pencil they are written with.
I.E ... make them believable and relevant. When Auntie Sue Bell turns out to be the hairy butcher you accidently deep fried when you were 12 make sure we know the reason he's now Auntie Sue Bell is because you did irreversible damage to his man parts. Also we want Auntie Sue Bell to come back to revenge said man parts and not to start a pudding shop down on main street.
4. Don't pander to our desire to see good win.
Just because the hero doesn't die at the end of the movie doesn't mean he needs to be safe. Who knows Fred and Auntie Sue Bell may have fostered a young boy child who hungers for your toe nail clippings.
5. Make it innocent.
Nothings is scarier than something we trust. Who would ever expect that young Freddie Bell will kill you for your toenails. He's so sweet and angelic with his pretty blonde hair and sharp pointy teeth. And the cute little puppy at this side. Well the most adorable little man eater you ever did see. I had no idea he preferred your eye socket over a fire hydrant.
I am sure there are a lot of other things we can add to this and I welcome any and all suggestions. I am not claiming to be a guru of all things scary, but I know what I like to see.
A Neko has no witty title for this blog
I pre-write all my blogs in a journal. Or at least I do now. That way I can work out the bugs. I currently have half a journal full of unfinished blogs. Either pieces I couldn't share or pieces I was afraid would hurt someones feelings. I promised when I started this venture I wasn't going to allow other people to affect my blogs. I was wrong. I would say I lied but that would require knowing I was wrong.
I still have many things I'm not okay with blogging about. There are many reasons for this. Mostly it is that wording these things hurts. It's funny, I started this blog in an attempt to put my feelings into words. The idea was this would help me move forward. I am not. Every time I think about things I still hurt. This has gone on way to long.
Keeping busy helps. But eventually busy ends. I found myself crying uncontrollably last night. I should step back and move on. I don't want to. I want to fix things the way we discussed. I don't want to remove M completely from my life.
I just keep hurting myself.
I still have many things I'm not okay with blogging about. There are many reasons for this. Mostly it is that wording these things hurts. It's funny, I started this blog in an attempt to put my feelings into words. The idea was this would help me move forward. I am not. Every time I think about things I still hurt. This has gone on way to long.
Keeping busy helps. But eventually busy ends. I found myself crying uncontrollably last night. I should step back and move on. I don't want to. I want to fix things the way we discussed. I don't want to remove M completely from my life.
I just keep hurting myself.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
A Neko reverts to a teenager
You ever get the feeling that you take 2 steps forward and 5 steps back? Of course you do ... if people didn't I wouldn't have that phrase to draw from in my repertoire of witty phrases. Everything seems that way right now. The most important thing feels that way.
I've never been any good with lack of control. I need to feel like I'm in control of a situation or I'm unhappy. I'm so out of control with this situation I am feeling like a child. Seriously ... I brainstorm for ideas on how to move forward and the things I come up with make me feel like I should be back in high school. How can I berate other people for their childish actions if I'm on the verge of doing something just as silly and childish. The only way I'm controlling myself is by putting these feelings into words that I can read ... sigh ... shake my head .. .and turn away.
Even then it's only partially helped. That's right ... I've sent FB messages that didn't need to be sent. Messages fishing for the response I am looking for. I know how this works ... even if the response I want would have been the normal one given ... people's first response is rebellion. Good job Neko ... way to restart. I need to keep busy. If I'm busy I'm not thinking. If I'm not thinking I'm not coming up with bad ideas. Who wants to help entertain a crazy Neko?
Silence?
That's what I thought.
I've never been any good with lack of control. I need to feel like I'm in control of a situation or I'm unhappy. I'm so out of control with this situation I am feeling like a child. Seriously ... I brainstorm for ideas on how to move forward and the things I come up with make me feel like I should be back in high school. How can I berate other people for their childish actions if I'm on the verge of doing something just as silly and childish. The only way I'm controlling myself is by putting these feelings into words that I can read ... sigh ... shake my head .. .and turn away.
Even then it's only partially helped. That's right ... I've sent FB messages that didn't need to be sent. Messages fishing for the response I am looking for. I know how this works ... even if the response I want would have been the normal one given ... people's first response is rebellion. Good job Neko ... way to restart. I need to keep busy. If I'm busy I'm not thinking. If I'm not thinking I'm not coming up with bad ideas. Who wants to help entertain a crazy Neko?
Silence?
That's what I thought.
A Neko has a nightmare
Last night I had an amazing nightmare. I am going to try my best to recount it here. Someone can tell me if I maybe watched it in a movie or read it in a book.
I was coming back from the store/ration line with my husband/boyfriend. A lot of things in this are iffy. The husband/boyfriend for example. He was a mix of about 5 of my male friends with characteristics of only 1 of my ex-boyfriends. We lived in an apartment in what could loosely be considered and old brownstone. That's what it looked like from the outside except it had an amazing set up stairs/porch leading to it. And at times it looked like the Belding library.
We were arguing but it wasn't clear what we were arguing for. All of the sudden he started muttering, "smattered with an ed ... smattered with a de ... ed ... de ... ed ... de." I told him to stop being so daft and say something that makes sense. He went off the deep end. He screamed "I'll show you who's de ... ed" and came after me obviously meaning to hurt me. I got angry rather than afraid and started to walk towards him. I yelled "Do you want to hit me? Would you feel better about yourself if I were bleeding?" He stopped and stared at me for a moment. The next feeling is that is pinkie toe was "dancing" over the toe next to it. He had shoes on so I"m not sure how I knew this. He started to cry. "No, no, why am I doing this? I don't want to hurt you what's wrong with me?"
We went into the building stopping at the neighbors apartment to say hi. She was a nice older woman one moment and a busy mom the next. Sometimes my dreams can't decide what they want to see. My husband/boyfriend told me he would take the groceries up and take care of them. The lady watched him suspiciously as he left. She turned to me and told me her husband was being uncharacteristically violent since the "incident". I am unclear of what the incident was. It was the reason, I'm certain, that the store felt more like a ration line. She told me he would start mutter nonsense under his breath. "de ed de ed" before he hit her. She told me at least 2 other men in the building were the same way. They were having a woman's meeting to discuss what needed to be done that night at 7.
I thanked her for the invite and told her I needed to go upstairs to check on the children. I told her we were thinking about joining my parents in their apartment in the country. We were hoping it would be better there. I went upstairs and we started discussing the idea of moving. I mentioned what he muttered when he became violent and that the neighbors were doing the same thing. We heard the children laughing at something on the tv and went to see what they were watching. It was a man/woman and they were telling jokes. The jokes used the word smattering a lot.
My husband/boyfriend and I were frightened by this. He decided to call the incident emergency line. He got a creepy sounding woman who asked him what the problem with the tv's was. Something made him decide to lie to her. He said " they aren't working can't you see?" she replied "Yes, yes we can see. We can see your little one now. He seems very happy with the _____ program. Would you prefer something else?" and the tv changed to another programming as the call ended.
This is where I woke up. I didn't move for 5 minutes terrified that if I did something bad would happen. This morning the dream still seems creepy ... but it really has to have come from somewhere. I'm just trying to figure out where..
I was coming back from the store/ration line with my husband/boyfriend. A lot of things in this are iffy. The husband/boyfriend for example. He was a mix of about 5 of my male friends with characteristics of only 1 of my ex-boyfriends. We lived in an apartment in what could loosely be considered and old brownstone. That's what it looked like from the outside except it had an amazing set up stairs/porch leading to it. And at times it looked like the Belding library.
We were arguing but it wasn't clear what we were arguing for. All of the sudden he started muttering, "smattered with an ed ... smattered with a de ... ed ... de ... ed ... de." I told him to stop being so daft and say something that makes sense. He went off the deep end. He screamed "I'll show you who's de ... ed" and came after me obviously meaning to hurt me. I got angry rather than afraid and started to walk towards him. I yelled "Do you want to hit me? Would you feel better about yourself if I were bleeding?" He stopped and stared at me for a moment. The next feeling is that is pinkie toe was "dancing" over the toe next to it. He had shoes on so I"m not sure how I knew this. He started to cry. "No, no, why am I doing this? I don't want to hurt you what's wrong with me?"
We went into the building stopping at the neighbors apartment to say hi. She was a nice older woman one moment and a busy mom the next. Sometimes my dreams can't decide what they want to see. My husband/boyfriend told me he would take the groceries up and take care of them. The lady watched him suspiciously as he left. She turned to me and told me her husband was being uncharacteristically violent since the "incident". I am unclear of what the incident was. It was the reason, I'm certain, that the store felt more like a ration line. She told me he would start mutter nonsense under his breath. "de ed de ed" before he hit her. She told me at least 2 other men in the building were the same way. They were having a woman's meeting to discuss what needed to be done that night at 7.
I thanked her for the invite and told her I needed to go upstairs to check on the children. I told her we were thinking about joining my parents in their apartment in the country. We were hoping it would be better there. I went upstairs and we started discussing the idea of moving. I mentioned what he muttered when he became violent and that the neighbors were doing the same thing. We heard the children laughing at something on the tv and went to see what they were watching. It was a man/woman and they were telling jokes. The jokes used the word smattering a lot.
My husband/boyfriend and I were frightened by this. He decided to call the incident emergency line. He got a creepy sounding woman who asked him what the problem with the tv's was. Something made him decide to lie to her. He said " they aren't working can't you see?" she replied "Yes, yes we can see. We can see your little one now. He seems very happy with the _____ program. Would you prefer something else?" and the tv changed to another programming as the call ended.
This is where I woke up. I didn't move for 5 minutes terrified that if I did something bad would happen. This morning the dream still seems creepy ... but it really has to have come from somewhere. I'm just trying to figure out where..
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
A Neko attempts to see perspective
There is nothing quite like having reality shoved down your throat and force fed to you.
Today's conversation
I didn't know you and M broke up.
Yeah a few weeks ago. We are getting together tomorrow to talk.
Why?
Uhm ... because the break up was done through email ... ?!?!
Wow he's a jerk.
But he big question was why. Why are you seeing him again? Why are you trying to hurt yourself again? She didn't ask those specific questions, but she made me think about them. If you asked me yesterday it would have been because I need the closure. And that's not untrue. But I have to admit it hurts to not see him. It hurts to not be with him. It hurts to think I will never se him again. There's your truth. I will put up with the pain of seeing him because it hurts more not to.
But that wasn't the end of it. Next she asks " Are you going to be single forever?" She didn't mean it to sound this way. I know this. But she stumbled across something that's been bothering me. Am I going to be single forever? I am 39 and haven't had anything close to a successful relationship. I know there is something wrong with me. I don't know what it is.
That leads into the next thought. Do I just want to be with M because I don't want to be alone? That one is easy. NO!!! How do I know? Well because, there are people who I could be with other than M. I don't love them; they don't love me. They, like me, are lonely. I, unlike them, am not going to settle for less. Yes ti would be easy to do. But I'm to truthful to make myself believe I would be happy that way.
Am I saying M is the only man I can be happy with? NO!!! Can I tell you a secret? Maybe ... once upon today ... there is a man I've had a crush (for lack of a better word) of for 8 or 9 years ... maybe. No I won't tell you who he might be. Yes maybe one or two of you know him or know of him. I know he would never feel the same way about me. So I've gone through my life. I've never loved him. I don't know him well enough to love him. The men I've dated over the last 9 years haven't meant less to me because of him. But ... he is a ray of hope that no matter how much I love someone .. .I can still have feelings for someone else.
So I have hope I can move on. But very little hope I have somewhere worth moving on to. And no matter where I go I will alway love M I will always miss him and always want him back in my life.
Today's conversation
I didn't know you and M broke up.
Yeah a few weeks ago. We are getting together tomorrow to talk.
Why?
Uhm ... because the break up was done through email ... ?!?!
Wow he's a jerk.
But he big question was why. Why are you seeing him again? Why are you trying to hurt yourself again? She didn't ask those specific questions, but she made me think about them. If you asked me yesterday it would have been because I need the closure. And that's not untrue. But I have to admit it hurts to not see him. It hurts to not be with him. It hurts to think I will never se him again. There's your truth. I will put up with the pain of seeing him because it hurts more not to.
But that wasn't the end of it. Next she asks " Are you going to be single forever?" She didn't mean it to sound this way. I know this. But she stumbled across something that's been bothering me. Am I going to be single forever? I am 39 and haven't had anything close to a successful relationship. I know there is something wrong with me. I don't know what it is.
That leads into the next thought. Do I just want to be with M because I don't want to be alone? That one is easy. NO!!! How do I know? Well because, there are people who I could be with other than M. I don't love them; they don't love me. They, like me, are lonely. I, unlike them, am not going to settle for less. Yes ti would be easy to do. But I'm to truthful to make myself believe I would be happy that way.
Am I saying M is the only man I can be happy with? NO!!! Can I tell you a secret? Maybe ... once upon today ... there is a man I've had a crush (for lack of a better word) of for 8 or 9 years ... maybe. No I won't tell you who he might be. Yes maybe one or two of you know him or know of him. I know he would never feel the same way about me. So I've gone through my life. I've never loved him. I don't know him well enough to love him. The men I've dated over the last 9 years haven't meant less to me because of him. But ... he is a ray of hope that no matter how much I love someone .. .I can still have feelings for someone else.
So I have hope I can move on. But very little hope I have somewhere worth moving on to. And no matter where I go I will alway love M I will always miss him and always want him back in my life.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Today I went and got contacts. I haven't worn contacts in years. It was a bittersweet decision. M said to me once "Why don't you wear contacts? Not that I don't like your glasses, but you'd look better with contacts." I had decided at that moment to get contacts when I got my flex spending card back in the mail. After the break up I debated about doing it. In the end I did it for multiple reasons. 1. I am not going to let memories stop me from doing anything. (this is a lie, I let memories stop me all the time) 2. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'll look better this way. 3. Doing something like this helps me feel better about myself.
Friday I go to see M for the first time since the break up. Yes it hasn't been very long . This is why I'm worried. I don't know if I should wear my glasses or my contacts. It sounds like an easy decision and not that important. It's not, every decision I make about Friday will be a big decision to me. I wish I didn't love him. I wish sometimes I could stop loving him. Other times I never want to stop. I hate emotions,
Friday I go to see M for the first time since the break up. Yes it hasn't been very long . This is why I'm worried. I don't know if I should wear my glasses or my contacts. It sounds like an easy decision and not that important. It's not, every decision I make about Friday will be a big decision to me. I wish I didn't love him. I wish sometimes I could stop loving him. Other times I never want to stop. I hate emotions,
Monday, May 23, 2011
Neko is a nervous wreck
I'll bet you all thought you were going to get a day off from blogs. This one won't be long. I want to shower and cook my sub. M and I have a date to see each other for the first time since the break up. Not a date date ... but a date like day hour place. I love how his response of course was for hours I had to work. No biggie, I can fix that. And can fix it again if need be. I am nervous about seeing him. I don't think this will last a long time. I will probably walk out within the first 30 minutes. I'll keep the stalkers informed. Who's taking bets?
Sunday, May 22, 2011
A Neko on a Sunday morning
Sometimes our memory plays tricks on us. All I can remember from my times with M are the good times. How good I felt. How much he used to laugh at me. How he would randomly smile because of something I didn't realize I did. All M has ever remembered were the bad times.
Perhaps this is because the good times I remember were just him trying to keep me happy. If they weren't good times for him he wouldn't remember them. If that is the case I wonder if the man I love even exists. I have to think he does. I hope he does. I just don't know where he is.
This morning I am heading out to another baseball game with Don. I had fun last night and I'm sure I'll have fun today as well. The fun is peppered with sadness. Matt was supposed to go today. While neither of us are sports fans I was happy that we were doing something together. I was always happy when we were together. Now it feels like even when I'm happy, I'm sad. I realize this won't begin to get better until I can confront the issue. I wonder if it will even begin to get better at that time. I hope so. I can't live my life like this.
The best thing about my relationship with M was just knowing I was loved. It's hard for me to admit that I was lying to myself for the past 6 months. Those feelings were never there.
I need to go get dressed now.
Perhaps this is because the good times I remember were just him trying to keep me happy. If they weren't good times for him he wouldn't remember them. If that is the case I wonder if the man I love even exists. I have to think he does. I hope he does. I just don't know where he is.
This morning I am heading out to another baseball game with Don. I had fun last night and I'm sure I'll have fun today as well. The fun is peppered with sadness. Matt was supposed to go today. While neither of us are sports fans I was happy that we were doing something together. I was always happy when we were together. Now it feels like even when I'm happy, I'm sad. I realize this won't begin to get better until I can confront the issue. I wonder if it will even begin to get better at that time. I hope so. I can't live my life like this.
The best thing about my relationship with M was just knowing I was loved. It's hard for me to admit that I was lying to myself for the past 6 months. Those feelings were never there.
I need to go get dressed now.
Friday, May 20, 2011
A ode from a Neko
Why is it the people who use the biggest word and say the most have the least interesting things to say. Okay, to be fair this is not true with all of them. But, when it's obvious the statements are designed to make the stater appear more interesting or more intelligent, well, someone needs to put a stop to that.
If you can not feel special without begging for it, someone is not doing their job. Woops, now we have to step back and look at it from another side. I have someone important to me who uses a lot of big words. They tell a lot of stories. They know a lot of things and like to share. They do it the most when they are feeling insignificant or uncomfortable. It's a coping mechanism of sorts. How do I, as their friend, help them to not feel that way? If they are important to me isn't it my job?
Truthfully, I find this aspect of this person not unappealing. It's part of who they are and I love them because of it. I see, when I stand outside the situation, that they can get on others nerves. Really, if you ask me why I don't talk alot, it's because I can see that I get on others nerves. This person can see that they do as well. They assume they will get on everyone's nerves at one time or another. How do I convince them this isn't true.
My previous attempts were utter failures. I made this person feel more unspecial than they felt before. I also made them feel dumb. They aren't dumb. They are amazing. I love to hear them talk. I learned so much from them. I can now say something in most cases and if you ask me where I learned that fact I can tell you it was from this person. I am bothered that the rest of society has made this person feel that they are unwanted, unneeded, undesirable. To me they are very wanted, VERY needed, and very desirable. But, I never got that across before. And now it is to late. I hope someone else in their life can show them how special they really are.
It's not the big words. It's not the information. It's not the things they can bring to the table. It's them, they are special, they are amazing. I think I'll go into the corner in pout out of self pity now.
If you can not feel special without begging for it, someone is not doing their job. Woops, now we have to step back and look at it from another side. I have someone important to me who uses a lot of big words. They tell a lot of stories. They know a lot of things and like to share. They do it the most when they are feeling insignificant or uncomfortable. It's a coping mechanism of sorts. How do I, as their friend, help them to not feel that way? If they are important to me isn't it my job?
Truthfully, I find this aspect of this person not unappealing. It's part of who they are and I love them because of it. I see, when I stand outside the situation, that they can get on others nerves. Really, if you ask me why I don't talk alot, it's because I can see that I get on others nerves. This person can see that they do as well. They assume they will get on everyone's nerves at one time or another. How do I convince them this isn't true.
My previous attempts were utter failures. I made this person feel more unspecial than they felt before. I also made them feel dumb. They aren't dumb. They are amazing. I love to hear them talk. I learned so much from them. I can now say something in most cases and if you ask me where I learned that fact I can tell you it was from this person. I am bothered that the rest of society has made this person feel that they are unwanted, unneeded, undesirable. To me they are very wanted, VERY needed, and very desirable. But, I never got that across before. And now it is to late. I hope someone else in their life can show them how special they really are.
It's not the big words. It's not the information. It's not the things they can bring to the table. It's them, they are special, they are amazing. I think I'll go into the corner in pout out of self pity now.
A Neko the morning after
I ended the night feeling hopeful. I woke up this morning almost happy. That little voice that won't go away came back and said "He doesn't love you.". Good job voice. Now I am worried that even trying this is going to make things worse. To late to turn back now. In for a dollar in for a pound. The only way up is forward. You get the idea.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
a Neko is a fool .... again
Sleep well is the last thing M said to me before signing out. Sleep well ... yeah right. Sleep at all should be his wish. So I made my request. To start over from the beginning ... building a new relationship/friendship from the ground up. No destination in mind. But I can't lie ... I have hopes for where it may end. My biggest hope is that it ends in peace. That I will either be with him or not want to be with him. I don't want anything in between. Perhaps I'm to needy.
His answer was "Alright". Then he was surprised that I was surprised. No I never thought he hated me. Hate is a strong emotion like love. I just believe he has very little emotion at all for me. However, if this were the case why did he message me at 11:30 at night when he should be sleeping? Why didn't he wait until another time?
Some emotion is a building block to fix this. Maybe not to my specifications. I'm not saying I think we will end up back together. I can't think that right now. I do not need to set myself up for a fall. But I can't stop myself from hoping that it's possible. Months and months down the road. I don't know though. What I want more than anything is to be able to see him and spend time with him. I want to be able to do this without crying. It will take time, but somehow I will get there. I will have something to show for it in the end. What that is going to be is still to be determined. I am not going to go into this trying to mold it to fit my desires.
Leaving it up to chance. That is a new big scary step for me. It's going to be a difficult run. Wish me luck and I'll keep the blogs coming. Not just about this but about everything. I love you followers and friends who just stalk. I love Matt.
His answer was "Alright". Then he was surprised that I was surprised. No I never thought he hated me. Hate is a strong emotion like love. I just believe he has very little emotion at all for me. However, if this were the case why did he message me at 11:30 at night when he should be sleeping? Why didn't he wait until another time?
Some emotion is a building block to fix this. Maybe not to my specifications. I'm not saying I think we will end up back together. I can't think that right now. I do not need to set myself up for a fall. But I can't stop myself from hoping that it's possible. Months and months down the road. I don't know though. What I want more than anything is to be able to see him and spend time with him. I want to be able to do this without crying. It will take time, but somehow I will get there. I will have something to show for it in the end. What that is going to be is still to be determined. I am not going to go into this trying to mold it to fit my desires.
Leaving it up to chance. That is a new big scary step for me. It's going to be a difficult run. Wish me luck and I'll keep the blogs coming. Not just about this but about everything. I love you followers and friends who just stalk. I love Matt.
A Neko of little faith
My lack of faith. How does my lack of faith affect my relationships? Not well.
Today is a case in point. As I stated in my previous blog, I am trying to face my issues. The biggest issue is M. He'll remain my biggest issue until I face him. I sent him 4 messages over the last few days. I have not received a response. My lack of faith prompted my last message to be an accusation. Stating that I assumed I had not heard from him because of his desire to remove me from his life.
In most cases 4 messages later is a good indication the person in question wants nothing to do with you. In the case of M this may not be true. After the last 9 months I should know this. I've lost the trust I had in him. I have no faith he has ever been truthful. This lack of faith prompted my response.
It could be that what I am asking is to much. Yes I need to face him, but I need to get some facts straight first. I wanted to ask him some questions. My hope is with his current interest in being truthful about his feelings I can trust his answers. And let's be truthful with ourselves, I love him. I am going to believe him anyway.
I had thought of listing the questions I had. After I started I realized I wasn't comfortable doing that. Some of the questions are personal. Some of the questions are dumb. I wonder if I will get them answered. I wonder if I will get a chance to face him.
In follow up he did respond. He seems willing to talk. I hope I don't flub this up. It's possible my recent change of thought pattern may lead this conversation to a more beneficial result. I will keep my followers posted. No I don't expect this talk to instantly repair every issue I have. Perhaps, however, it will lead to a course of action that will end in us repairing our relationship in one way or another. On the sad side ... I am still just as excited to see a message from him as I always have been. Stupid Neko heart.
Today is a case in point. As I stated in my previous blog, I am trying to face my issues. The biggest issue is M. He'll remain my biggest issue until I face him. I sent him 4 messages over the last few days. I have not received a response. My lack of faith prompted my last message to be an accusation. Stating that I assumed I had not heard from him because of his desire to remove me from his life.
In most cases 4 messages later is a good indication the person in question wants nothing to do with you. In the case of M this may not be true. After the last 9 months I should know this. I've lost the trust I had in him. I have no faith he has ever been truthful. This lack of faith prompted my response.
It could be that what I am asking is to much. Yes I need to face him, but I need to get some facts straight first. I wanted to ask him some questions. My hope is with his current interest in being truthful about his feelings I can trust his answers. And let's be truthful with ourselves, I love him. I am going to believe him anyway.
I had thought of listing the questions I had. After I started I realized I wasn't comfortable doing that. Some of the questions are personal. Some of the questions are dumb. I wonder if I will get them answered. I wonder if I will get a chance to face him.
In follow up he did respond. He seems willing to talk. I hope I don't flub this up. It's possible my recent change of thought pattern may lead this conversation to a more beneficial result. I will keep my followers posted. No I don't expect this talk to instantly repair every issue I have. Perhaps, however, it will lead to a course of action that will end in us repairing our relationship in one way or another. On the sad side ... I am still just as excited to see a message from him as I always have been. Stupid Neko heart.
Faith and your daily Neko
I am a little nervous about writing this blog. No ... Alot nervous. I don't like talking religion or politics. I pretty much refuse to talk politics. My opinions are't going to change things. I vote. I just don't want the hassle of discussing my reasoning with you.
Religion, though, I may discuss. I shy away from it. Religion is about faith. People don't like their faith to be questioned. It's to hard to verbally support in a discussion. Truthfully I am not the person to question it anyway. I have faith in very little. I wonder if I can fit that bit into this blog or if it should have it's own. I wonder even if I should write any of this. It is seeming a bit pointless.
So I ask myself why I keep going. My answer, what else can I do. I can't fix this. I can't make it go away. I can't even face it head on. Believe me I am trying. I may regret it, but I am trying.
My thoughts are like a ball bouncing in my head. They go from thought to memory to thought with no particular destination in mind. I can't seem to stay on topic.
This topic is faith. Everyone wants something to believe in when they are down. We want to believe in a higher power. I have to wonder sometimes why that is. I don't question the truth behind your faith. How could I? I have no idea what is out there. I envy people their faith.
While I have no definite idea what is out there, I believe something is. I wonder if it's important what we call it or how we communicate with it. Wouldn't our souls understand this better than our brain? If you feel comfort in a certain worship but not in another; doesn't this say something?
Why should his faith supercede hers? Or hers trump theirs? What makes one person more right then another? When you stop and say "I know I am right because I can feel it", what makes you think someone else doesn't feel the same way about something else?
These thought brought to you by a curious Neko.
Religion, though, I may discuss. I shy away from it. Religion is about faith. People don't like their faith to be questioned. It's to hard to verbally support in a discussion. Truthfully I am not the person to question it anyway. I have faith in very little. I wonder if I can fit that bit into this blog or if it should have it's own. I wonder even if I should write any of this. It is seeming a bit pointless.
So I ask myself why I keep going. My answer, what else can I do. I can't fix this. I can't make it go away. I can't even face it head on. Believe me I am trying. I may regret it, but I am trying.
My thoughts are like a ball bouncing in my head. They go from thought to memory to thought with no particular destination in mind. I can't seem to stay on topic.
This topic is faith. Everyone wants something to believe in when they are down. We want to believe in a higher power. I have to wonder sometimes why that is. I don't question the truth behind your faith. How could I? I have no idea what is out there. I envy people their faith.
While I have no definite idea what is out there, I believe something is. I wonder if it's important what we call it or how we communicate with it. Wouldn't our souls understand this better than our brain? If you feel comfort in a certain worship but not in another; doesn't this say something?
Why should his faith supercede hers? Or hers trump theirs? What makes one person more right then another? When you stop and say "I know I am right because I can feel it", what makes you think someone else doesn't feel the same way about something else?
These thought brought to you by a curious Neko.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
A Neko on the go
It is mornings like this that make me want to crawl back into bed and give up. I've figured it out, I am only handling the hurt when I pretend it might just be a temporary issue. When I admit to myself that he's never going to love me or want to be with me ... that's when I hurt uncontrollably. A friend on facebook posted a very good piece of advice. When you feel anxious it helps to take action. Even if that action is acceptance. I presume eventually that will work. Right now acceptance makes me want to curl up and rot.
Why should I pretend to be okay to make everyone else feel more comfortable. Yes upset people are hard to deal with. I personally have no idea what to do when someone is crying. I'm either too dumb to allow peoples attempts to cheer me up to have any affect, or too smart to believe what they say is right. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that people care enough about me to want me to be happy. I just don't think lying to myself will make it happen. Pretending that I will be happy without him in my life is ludicrous. Pretending I could be happy with him just in the parameters of my life as a friend self destructive. I shouldn't blog when I feel like this ... nothing good will come of it.
So today, in an attempt to forget it's my first Wednesday in months without seeing M, I am going to have coffee with my friend Rich and go shopping for fabric with my friend Kim. I got up early and dyed my hair. I am going to wear a skirt and try to feel pretty. Wish me luck.
Still haven't heard from Tammy . I am very worried about her. *frowny face*
Why should I pretend to be okay to make everyone else feel more comfortable. Yes upset people are hard to deal with. I personally have no idea what to do when someone is crying. I'm either too dumb to allow peoples attempts to cheer me up to have any affect, or too smart to believe what they say is right. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that people care enough about me to want me to be happy. I just don't think lying to myself will make it happen. Pretending that I will be happy without him in my life is ludicrous. Pretending I could be happy with him just in the parameters of my life as a friend self destructive. I shouldn't blog when I feel like this ... nothing good will come of it.
So today, in an attempt to forget it's my first Wednesday in months without seeing M, I am going to have coffee with my friend Rich and go shopping for fabric with my friend Kim. I got up early and dyed my hair. I am going to wear a skirt and try to feel pretty. Wish me luck.
Still haven't heard from Tammy . I am very worried about her. *frowny face*
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
A Worried Neko
I want to take time out from my self pity to write about one of my good friends. She got called while at work today because someone had broken into her house and stolen all her things. I haven't heard back from her to find out what exactly was taken, but I know they had some expensive electronics. She's been having a hard time with money lately and this is a worry she doesn't really need. Everyone keep her in their thoughts. I'm not religious but if you are keep her in your prayers as well. She's been a rock for me the last week and even before that. I want to be as much for her in her time of need.
I love you Tammy. <3
I love you Tammy. <3
Monday, May 16, 2011
Good news for a Neko
I just got word that my friend Rei can and is willing to make me my kimono. I just need to provide the fixin's. This is something to look forward to. Kim and I are going to go shopping for the material Wednesday afternoon.
A lying Neko
I was going to write part deux of the rolling music blog today, but somethng came up. That something was a dream. A dream planted by my sub concious desires to fool me. (Also in retrospect the music blog was kind of lame.)
So I had a dream. I don't remember the specifics of it. I remember a sword with a cross in the handle and a fleeing vampire. Even my dreams are dorky. I remember M in my dream. I don't remember what he said. I remember warmth as he embraced me and kissed the top of my head. I remember an overwhelming feeling of love.
When I woke up I felt happy. I opened my eyes and looked at the ceiling. I heard a voice in my head telling me "he doesn't love you". I could feel the happiness crashing out of me. It was a horrible feeling.
It's funny how our mind plays these kinds of tricks on us. It's funnier how we let it. How easy just to lie to ourselves. Not better by any stretch of the imagination.
I've tried to lie to myself often. I am not any better at it than I am with lying to other people. Because of that I have very little patience for people who do. People want to be lied to. M does it to keep people happy. It's what they want from him. Truth hurts … obviously. But I would hurt less right now if I hadn't led myself to believe I was still loved.
I wish everyone would always tell me the truth. I don't know how to believe anymore.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
A Neko posting from work
I made today's post through my email on my phone. I am in awe. However, if you read it before now, you will have noticed some errors. It's easier to catch those when posting right from the site. But it's nice when I feel the need to get something off my chest that it doesn't matter where I am.
I'm not sure I made that clear at the beginning. I'm not doing this so everyone hates M and loves me. I'm not doing this because I hate M. I don't; I love him. I mean really truly love him. The jump in front of a train to save his life kind of love. The let him go because it makes him happy kind of love. But I can't just swallow what I'm feeling. And I can't share it with him because he'll feel guilty. So I'm sharing it in general.
It took a lot of thought before I shared the link to this blog on facebook. My worry, of course, that he may read it. I can't stop that from happening. But I truly believe he doesn't have enough interest in me for him to do that. So over all I'm not worrying about it. I posted it for my friends who may be interested in what I am going through. I'm not going to share it with you personally. I will however post it here because I can't hold it any longer.
I have a lot of friends who have no interest in my emotional state unless I'm happy. In fact that was one of M's big problems. He liked me best when I was happy. No not just happy; visually happy. I am not happy right now. I will not be happy over all for a while. I am not going to be sad all the time. But right now the major emotion in my life is sorrow. It won't be that way forever. Someday I'll have happy posts. Right now they aren't meant to garner sympathy or turn anyone against M. They are meant as an output so I don't drown in my emotions.
Now that I've made that clear, I am going to watch Soul Eater with Zed.
I'm not sure I made that clear at the beginning. I'm not doing this so everyone hates M and loves me. I'm not doing this because I hate M. I don't; I love him. I mean really truly love him. The jump in front of a train to save his life kind of love. The let him go because it makes him happy kind of love. But I can't just swallow what I'm feeling. And I can't share it with him because he'll feel guilty. So I'm sharing it in general.
It took a lot of thought before I shared the link to this blog on facebook. My worry, of course, that he may read it. I can't stop that from happening. But I truly believe he doesn't have enough interest in me for him to do that. So over all I'm not worrying about it. I posted it for my friends who may be interested in what I am going through. I'm not going to share it with you personally. I will however post it here because I can't hold it any longer.
I have a lot of friends who have no interest in my emotional state unless I'm happy. In fact that was one of M's big problems. He liked me best when I was happy. No not just happy; visually happy. I am not happy right now. I will not be happy over all for a while. I am not going to be sad all the time. But right now the major emotion in my life is sorrow. It won't be that way forever. Someday I'll have happy posts. Right now they aren't meant to garner sympathy or turn anyone against M. They are meant as an output so I don't drown in my emotions.
Now that I've made that clear, I am going to watch Soul Eater with Zed.
A rolling Neko in the deep
I was listening to the Adele song "Rolling in the Deep" this morning. The artists name is unfortunate. The song, however, makes scary sense. I am happy to say I am not that bitter ... Yet. It's the yet that scares me. How long until I do get that bitter? And in my sorrow what, if anything, am I capable of doing?
"There's a fire burning in my heart. Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out of the dark." That's fairly self explanatory isn't it. It happens all the time. We meet someone and think we know who they are. We listen to what they say. We watch what they do. And it turns out to be wrong or slightly skewered.
I am going to go ahead and believe I understand M as well as I can. I am not surprised he got tired of me. I am not surprised he wants to distance himself from me. I am not surprised he lied to me. I understand those things about him and love him regardless. Maybe even because of some of these things. They show the cracks in his more than human facade. I am surprised by how he let me know. In the end everything I'm writing about, everything I'm feeling will come down to that. His inability to look me in the eyes and say I don't love you. My eyes haven't been as opened as I'd hoped. I started this thinking I was finally seeing clearly, only to find out they have been closed.
Don't think that revelation is going to slow me down. I will figure it out on my own, or wait until I'm emotionally stable and demand answers.
"Finally I can see you crystal clear. Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare. See how I'll leave with every piece of you. Don't underestimate the things that I will do." Oh my ... That's all I can say. It worries me that I sympathize with this line. I'm afraid sometimes of what I may be capable of. Not only do I worry that doing something cruel would ruin any sort of relationship I may have with M in the future; I worry about what kind of person that makes me.
I stated in a facebook post recently that I was not a nice person. The person who argued that this was incorrect was someone I've known for at least 25 years. But I know that for longer than that I have been hiding all my basest emotions and thoughts. I learned at an early age what people wanted me to say; who they wanted me to be. The truth is I would do something mean and petty if I thought I could get away with it without getting hurt in the process.
So yes, it's true. I am not a nice person. I am a VERY honest person. Honest to a fault it's been said. My honesty and my mean spirited nature are at odds sometimes. I can't be mean to someone without them knowing it so I won't do it. Now I hate myself. Let's move on.
"The scars of your love remind me of us. It keeps me thinking that we almost had it all. The scars of your love, they leave me breathless. I can't help thinking that we could have had it all." I like that. The scars of your love. When does love leave a scar? When it's real? When it feels like it was ended prematurely? I am having problems putting my thoughts into word here. I will explain with what my mind sees rather than try to make it make sense.
There is a torso split down the middle but scabbed over. Next to it a table with a metal dish. In the dish is a beating heart. That's a very medical way of looking at this. I wonder what that says about me. This is the picture of the relationship that leaves scars. This is how I feel about M. He will always be this lumpy scar on my heart.
To Be Cont....
"There's a fire burning in my heart. Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out of the dark." That's fairly self explanatory isn't it. It happens all the time. We meet someone and think we know who they are. We listen to what they say. We watch what they do. And it turns out to be wrong or slightly skewered.
I am going to go ahead and believe I understand M as well as I can. I am not surprised he got tired of me. I am not surprised he wants to distance himself from me. I am not surprised he lied to me. I understand those things about him and love him regardless. Maybe even because of some of these things. They show the cracks in his more than human facade. I am surprised by how he let me know. In the end everything I'm writing about, everything I'm feeling will come down to that. His inability to look me in the eyes and say I don't love you. My eyes haven't been as opened as I'd hoped. I started this thinking I was finally seeing clearly, only to find out they have been closed.
Don't think that revelation is going to slow me down. I will figure it out on my own, or wait until I'm emotionally stable and demand answers.
"Finally I can see you crystal clear. Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare. See how I'll leave with every piece of you. Don't underestimate the things that I will do." Oh my ... That's all I can say. It worries me that I sympathize with this line. I'm afraid sometimes of what I may be capable of. Not only do I worry that doing something cruel would ruin any sort of relationship I may have with M in the future; I worry about what kind of person that makes me.
I stated in a facebook post recently that I was not a nice person. The person who argued that this was incorrect was someone I've known for at least 25 years. But I know that for longer than that I have been hiding all my basest emotions and thoughts. I learned at an early age what people wanted me to say; who they wanted me to be. The truth is I would do something mean and petty if I thought I could get away with it without getting hurt in the process.
So yes, it's true. I am not a nice person. I am a VERY honest person. Honest to a fault it's been said. My honesty and my mean spirited nature are at odds sometimes. I can't be mean to someone without them knowing it so I won't do it. Now I hate myself. Let's move on.
"The scars of your love remind me of us. It keeps me thinking that we almost had it all. The scars of your love, they leave me breathless. I can't help thinking that we could have had it all." I like that. The scars of your love. When does love leave a scar? When it's real? When it feels like it was ended prematurely? I am having problems putting my thoughts into word here. I will explain with what my mind sees rather than try to make it make sense.
There is a torso split down the middle but scabbed over. Next to it a table with a metal dish. In the dish is a beating heart. That's a very medical way of looking at this. I wonder what that says about me. This is the picture of the relationship that leaves scars. This is how I feel about M. He will always be this lumpy scar on my heart.
To Be Cont....
Saturday, May 14, 2011
From a Neko to a Loser
Today is a really bad day. I have friends who break down daily. I've never understood that. You go through your day because you don't have a choice. I still believe this, however, I understand a bit better why they are they way they are.
I am handwriting this blog at work between calls. I am alternating between wanting to hit my head on the desk or crawl under it and hide. Periodically pictures flash through my memory. M on our first date. M when we went to the used book store. M at Target looking at me like I'm dumb when I ask him why he's with me. "Because I love you." he answered.
Because I love you. It was his answer to me whenever I questioned him why. "You have to work in the morning? Why did you come out with me? Why didn't you go home and go to bed?" "Because I love you." "You are almost out of gas? Why did you drive all the way out here?" "Because I love you." No wonder I had no clue he didn't. When someone beats something into your head eventually you are going to believe it.
I got stuck on that part. I've agonized over the next part I wrote. It's rather personal. When I had intended on keeping this blog a secret I would have just written it. At this time the people who read it may know who I and M are. However it plays an important part in my feelings and lack of coping today. Suffice it to say that two memories out shown all the others today. They happened during very personal moments. The words that were said at these times told me more than anything else he ever did or said that he truly loved me. I really thought it was true. If he loved me as much as he showed at these times he wouldn't have stopped loving me. Knowing this I have to honestly say he never loved me.
The point of this post, however, is not whether or not he was truthful or deceitful. The point is every time one of these memories surfaced I felt like I was going to die. I stopped being able to breath. I was making the people near me uncomfortable I'm certain. It's never been this bad before. I've had bad break ups, don't get me wrong. But always when I've hit the anger stage; the anger overrode everything else. Trust me I've hit the anger stage with this. But the anger comes and goes, leaving me with an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness.
Sad Neko is devastated.
Devastated Neko is a loser.
Loser Neko lost one of the most important things in her life.
Lost Neko wonders if time travel is at all possible.
Educational Neko is disappointed she had to leave out the part about dead lizard move 101. It's a don't ask don't tell kind of thing.
I am handwriting this blog at work between calls. I am alternating between wanting to hit my head on the desk or crawl under it and hide. Periodically pictures flash through my memory. M on our first date. M when we went to the used book store. M at Target looking at me like I'm dumb when I ask him why he's with me. "Because I love you." he answered.
Because I love you. It was his answer to me whenever I questioned him why. "You have to work in the morning? Why did you come out with me? Why didn't you go home and go to bed?" "Because I love you." "You are almost out of gas? Why did you drive all the way out here?" "Because I love you." No wonder I had no clue he didn't. When someone beats something into your head eventually you are going to believe it.
I got stuck on that part. I've agonized over the next part I wrote. It's rather personal. When I had intended on keeping this blog a secret I would have just written it. At this time the people who read it may know who I and M are. However it plays an important part in my feelings and lack of coping today. Suffice it to say that two memories out shown all the others today. They happened during very personal moments. The words that were said at these times told me more than anything else he ever did or said that he truly loved me. I really thought it was true. If he loved me as much as he showed at these times he wouldn't have stopped loving me. Knowing this I have to honestly say he never loved me.
The point of this post, however, is not whether or not he was truthful or deceitful. The point is every time one of these memories surfaced I felt like I was going to die. I stopped being able to breath. I was making the people near me uncomfortable I'm certain. It's never been this bad before. I've had bad break ups, don't get me wrong. But always when I've hit the anger stage; the anger overrode everything else. Trust me I've hit the anger stage with this. But the anger comes and goes, leaving me with an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness.
Sad Neko is devastated.
Devastated Neko is a loser.
Loser Neko lost one of the most important things in her life.
Lost Neko wonders if time travel is at all possible.
Educational Neko is disappointed she had to leave out the part about dead lizard move 101. It's a don't ask don't tell kind of thing.
pfft ... I do so exsist
I decided to play with my profile a bit. I just filled out a few things like my birthday. It says my birthday is invalid --- I feel hurt.
Friday, May 13, 2011
A neko's very first ever personal blog
So it took something bad to bring me to this. It's such a silly thing in retrospect. A break up. We've all had them. We all live through them. We all (well almost all) move on. I've had my fair share of break ups. Why I'm wondering is this the one that leaves me feeling like I can't move on. Well possibly this could be because of the way it happened. Story time boys and girls.
I've dated a lot of jerks in my life. This man is not a jerk. He's odd for certain, unconventional definately, a jerk ... not so much. He treated me perfectly. I, however, have that trust issue that happens when you've been stepped on a few million times. I couldn't believe he could love me. But still, I gave it my all. There were issues, all relationships have them. If you love someone you work through the issues. He told me about a month in a half ago that he knew being with me was going to be more work than he was used to. He told me he knew I was worth it and was going to work for our relationship.
Recently he spent the night. He spent the entire next day. He left around 6pm kissing me and telling me he loved me as he did so. He went straight home logged into his computer and sent me an email saying he didn't love me but he cared about me a great deal and still wanted me to be a part of his life. Just not the same part I had been for the last 6 months. I broke down. I cried until my brother called my mom and asked if someone died. I'm having issues with dealing with this. The way it happens seems unreal yet painfully true.
I wake up every morning and the first thing I think is he does not love me. I go to bed and the last thing I think is he does not love me. I know this will get better. I'm not silly enough to feel I'll always be in the place. But I do feel I will never quite move forward until I can confront him face to face. I am not ready at this time to do this. I don't want to see him until I can talk to him without crying like a baby. When I can look him in the eyes and demand the truth ... that is the day I will call him. Until then I intend on posting my feelings, worries, hopes, dreams, and anything else that strikes my fancy here.
I intend on trying to make it as entertaining as possibly ... what with it being my life and all. I am not going to promise not to whine. I've spent my whole life not whining and now I am ready for a little pout here and there. I welcome all comments nice or not so nice ... however ... if you don't want to listen to me whine about unfairness or if you don't want to read unhappy things ... I suggest reading someone else blogs
enjoy
I've dated a lot of jerks in my life. This man is not a jerk. He's odd for certain, unconventional definately, a jerk ... not so much. He treated me perfectly. I, however, have that trust issue that happens when you've been stepped on a few million times. I couldn't believe he could love me. But still, I gave it my all. There were issues, all relationships have them. If you love someone you work through the issues. He told me about a month in a half ago that he knew being with me was going to be more work than he was used to. He told me he knew I was worth it and was going to work for our relationship.
Recently he spent the night. He spent the entire next day. He left around 6pm kissing me and telling me he loved me as he did so. He went straight home logged into his computer and sent me an email saying he didn't love me but he cared about me a great deal and still wanted me to be a part of his life. Just not the same part I had been for the last 6 months. I broke down. I cried until my brother called my mom and asked if someone died. I'm having issues with dealing with this. The way it happens seems unreal yet painfully true.
I wake up every morning and the first thing I think is he does not love me. I go to bed and the last thing I think is he does not love me. I know this will get better. I'm not silly enough to feel I'll always be in the place. But I do feel I will never quite move forward until I can confront him face to face. I am not ready at this time to do this. I don't want to see him until I can talk to him without crying like a baby. When I can look him in the eyes and demand the truth ... that is the day I will call him. Until then I intend on posting my feelings, worries, hopes, dreams, and anything else that strikes my fancy here.
I intend on trying to make it as entertaining as possibly ... what with it being my life and all. I am not going to promise not to whine. I've spent my whole life not whining and now I am ready for a little pout here and there. I welcome all comments nice or not so nice ... however ... if you don't want to listen to me whine about unfairness or if you don't want to read unhappy things ... I suggest reading someone else blogs
enjoy
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