Today is a really bad day. I have friends who break down daily. I've never understood that. You go through your day because you don't have a choice. I still believe this, however, I understand a bit better why they are they way they are.
I am handwriting this blog at work between calls. I am alternating between wanting to hit my head on the desk or crawl under it and hide. Periodically pictures flash through my memory. M on our first date. M when we went to the used book store. M at Target looking at me like I'm dumb when I ask him why he's with me. "Because I love you." he answered.
Because I love you. It was his answer to me whenever I questioned him why. "You have to work in the morning? Why did you come out with me? Why didn't you go home and go to bed?" "Because I love you." "You are almost out of gas? Why did you drive all the way out here?" "Because I love you." No wonder I had no clue he didn't. When someone beats something into your head eventually you are going to believe it.
I got stuck on that part. I've agonized over the next part I wrote. It's rather personal. When I had intended on keeping this blog a secret I would have just written it. At this time the people who read it may know who I and M are. However it plays an important part in my feelings and lack of coping today. Suffice it to say that two memories out shown all the others today. They happened during very personal moments. The words that were said at these times told me more than anything else he ever did or said that he truly loved me. I really thought it was true. If he loved me as much as he showed at these times he wouldn't have stopped loving me. Knowing this I have to honestly say he never loved me.
The point of this post, however, is not whether or not he was truthful or deceitful. The point is every time one of these memories surfaced I felt like I was going to die. I stopped being able to breath. I was making the people near me uncomfortable I'm certain. It's never been this bad before. I've had bad break ups, don't get me wrong. But always when I've hit the anger stage; the anger overrode everything else. Trust me I've hit the anger stage with this. But the anger comes and goes, leaving me with an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness.
Sad Neko is devastated.
Devastated Neko is a loser.
Loser Neko lost one of the most important things in her life.
Lost Neko wonders if time travel is at all possible.
Educational Neko is disappointed she had to leave out the part about dead lizard move 101. It's a don't ask don't tell kind of thing.
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