So it took something bad to bring me to this. It's such a silly thing in retrospect. A break up. We've all had them. We all live through them. We all (well almost all) move on. I've had my fair share of break ups. Why I'm wondering is this the one that leaves me feeling like I can't move on. Well possibly this could be because of the way it happened. Story time boys and girls.
I've dated a lot of jerks in my life. This man is not a jerk. He's odd for certain, unconventional definately, a jerk ... not so much. He treated me perfectly. I, however, have that trust issue that happens when you've been stepped on a few million times. I couldn't believe he could love me. But still, I gave it my all. There were issues, all relationships have them. If you love someone you work through the issues. He told me about a month in a half ago that he knew being with me was going to be more work than he was used to. He told me he knew I was worth it and was going to work for our relationship.
Recently he spent the night. He spent the entire next day. He left around 6pm kissing me and telling me he loved me as he did so. He went straight home logged into his computer and sent me an email saying he didn't love me but he cared about me a great deal and still wanted me to be a part of his life. Just not the same part I had been for the last 6 months. I broke down. I cried until my brother called my mom and asked if someone died. I'm having issues with dealing with this. The way it happens seems unreal yet painfully true.
I wake up every morning and the first thing I think is he does not love me. I go to bed and the last thing I think is he does not love me. I know this will get better. I'm not silly enough to feel I'll always be in the place. But I do feel I will never quite move forward until I can confront him face to face. I am not ready at this time to do this. I don't want to see him until I can talk to him without crying like a baby. When I can look him in the eyes and demand the truth ... that is the day I will call him. Until then I intend on posting my feelings, worries, hopes, dreams, and anything else that strikes my fancy here.
I intend on trying to make it as entertaining as possibly ... what with it being my life and all. I am not going to promise not to whine. I've spent my whole life not whining and now I am ready for a little pout here and there. I welcome all comments nice or not so nice ... however ... if you don't want to listen to me whine about unfairness or if you don't want to read unhappy things ... I suggest reading someone else blogs
enjoy
No comments:
Post a Comment