I was listening to the Adele song "Rolling in the Deep" this morning. The artists name is unfortunate. The song, however, makes scary sense. I am happy to say I am not that bitter ... Yet. It's the yet that scares me. How long until I do get that bitter? And in my sorrow what, if anything, am I capable of doing?
"There's a fire burning in my heart. Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out of the dark." That's fairly self explanatory isn't it. It happens all the time. We meet someone and think we know who they are. We listen to what they say. We watch what they do. And it turns out to be wrong or slightly skewered.
I am going to go ahead and believe I understand M as well as I can. I am not surprised he got tired of me. I am not surprised he wants to distance himself from me. I am not surprised he lied to me. I understand those things about him and love him regardless. Maybe even because of some of these things. They show the cracks in his more than human facade. I am surprised by how he let me know. In the end everything I'm writing about, everything I'm feeling will come down to that. His inability to look me in the eyes and say I don't love you. My eyes haven't been as opened as I'd hoped. I started this thinking I was finally seeing clearly, only to find out they have been closed.
Don't think that revelation is going to slow me down. I will figure it out on my own, or wait until I'm emotionally stable and demand answers.
"Finally I can see you crystal clear. Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare. See how I'll leave with every piece of you. Don't underestimate the things that I will do." Oh my ... That's all I can say. It worries me that I sympathize with this line. I'm afraid sometimes of what I may be capable of. Not only do I worry that doing something cruel would ruin any sort of relationship I may have with M in the future; I worry about what kind of person that makes me.
I stated in a facebook post recently that I was not a nice person. The person who argued that this was incorrect was someone I've known for at least 25 years. But I know that for longer than that I have been hiding all my basest emotions and thoughts. I learned at an early age what people wanted me to say; who they wanted me to be. The truth is I would do something mean and petty if I thought I could get away with it without getting hurt in the process.
So yes, it's true. I am not a nice person. I am a VERY honest person. Honest to a fault it's been said. My honesty and my mean spirited nature are at odds sometimes. I can't be mean to someone without them knowing it so I won't do it. Now I hate myself. Let's move on.
"The scars of your love remind me of us. It keeps me thinking that we almost had it all. The scars of your love, they leave me breathless. I can't help thinking that we could have had it all." I like that. The scars of your love. When does love leave a scar? When it's real? When it feels like it was ended prematurely? I am having problems putting my thoughts into word here. I will explain with what my mind sees rather than try to make it make sense.
There is a torso split down the middle but scabbed over. Next to it a table with a metal dish. In the dish is a beating heart. That's a very medical way of looking at this. I wonder what that says about me. This is the picture of the relationship that leaves scars. This is how I feel about M. He will always be this lumpy scar on my heart.
To Be Cont....
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