Sometimes our memory plays tricks on us. All I can remember from my times with M are the good times. How good I felt. How much he used to laugh at me. How he would randomly smile because of something I didn't realize I did. All M has ever remembered were the bad times.
Perhaps this is because the good times I remember were just him trying to keep me happy. If they weren't good times for him he wouldn't remember them. If that is the case I wonder if the man I love even exists. I have to think he does. I hope he does. I just don't know where he is.
This morning I am heading out to another baseball game with Don. I had fun last night and I'm sure I'll have fun today as well. The fun is peppered with sadness. Matt was supposed to go today. While neither of us are sports fans I was happy that we were doing something together. I was always happy when we were together. Now it feels like even when I'm happy, I'm sad. I realize this won't begin to get better until I can confront the issue. I wonder if it will even begin to get better at that time. I hope so. I can't live my life like this.
The best thing about my relationship with M was just knowing I was loved. It's hard for me to admit that I was lying to myself for the past 6 months. Those feelings were never there.
I need to go get dressed now.
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