Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Facing the Truth.
There is a story about a god who had a relationship with a mortal woman. Not relations, all gods do that. He had a relationship with her. Of course he was handsome as a god always is. But maybe that's not true. Maybe he's only handsome to her. She is beautiful as the lover's of a god always are. But maybe she isn't. Maybe it's love that blinds him to her faults. Regardless what we see is a couple truly in love.
He worships the ground she walks on. That raises some interesting questions. A god worshipping a mortal must break some universal rule. He's a god, what is the point of being a god if you can't break a few rules. He watches her as she goes about it her day. He watches as she bathes. He watches her prepare their meals. He watches her sleep. Strange how being in love breaks rules all on it's own. If they weren't in love he'd be the creepiest of creepers.
She lives to be with him. She works to pay the bills. She make the decisions she knows will make him happy. She dresses the way she knows he finds attractive. Overall she's every girl alive. If they weren't in love she'd be pathetic.
One day as he watches her he notices a wrinkle. This wrinkle doesn't make her unattractive to him. She could be as wrinkled as a pug dog and he would still love her. But, he pauses. She didn't have that wrinkle yesterday. It's okay that she's getting wrinkles. It's what happens after wrinkles that he's worried about. She is mortal. She is going to die and he is going to have to watch and not be able to help. That thought terrifies him.
She returns home and makes dinner. She waits for him but he doesn't come. She eats dinner in front of the tv. Bedtime comes and he's still not here. She goes to bed knowing she'll see him in the morning. Dawn breaks and there has been no sound from the god. The woman doesn't sleep at all. She wakes and takes a shower. She gets dressed and goes to work. What else can she do. Sadness and worry won't pay the bills.
Days turn into weeks which turn to years. She has fallen into a routine. Every day she comes home and cook dinner for two. Every day she eats hers in front of the tv. Every night she goes to bed alone. She no longer waits restlessly for him. Her body won't allow her to not sleep. Every night she dreams of him. Every dawn she wakes to an emptiness that will never be filled.
She knows he loves her. She never doubts it for a minute. She doesn't know why he stopped coming. She will wait until he's ready to come back. No other man will ever take his place in her life. He was the one meant for her.
After many years the woman dies. Her funeral is small. She doesn't have many family and fewer friends. All that is there is a Great Niece who barely knew her and a young handsome man. He smiles at the niece and asks her to have a drink with him. He tells her he was once close to her aunt. She taught him many things. The greatest lesson of all was that through all the worlds heartache and pain there is nothing stronger than love. It can not be severed by any, even the hand of a god. She taught him that facing the truth isn't the same thing as moving on.
He worships the ground she walks on. That raises some interesting questions. A god worshipping a mortal must break some universal rule. He's a god, what is the point of being a god if you can't break a few rules. He watches her as she goes about it her day. He watches as she bathes. He watches her prepare their meals. He watches her sleep. Strange how being in love breaks rules all on it's own. If they weren't in love he'd be the creepiest of creepers.
She lives to be with him. She works to pay the bills. She make the decisions she knows will make him happy. She dresses the way she knows he finds attractive. Overall she's every girl alive. If they weren't in love she'd be pathetic.
One day as he watches her he notices a wrinkle. This wrinkle doesn't make her unattractive to him. She could be as wrinkled as a pug dog and he would still love her. But, he pauses. She didn't have that wrinkle yesterday. It's okay that she's getting wrinkles. It's what happens after wrinkles that he's worried about. She is mortal. She is going to die and he is going to have to watch and not be able to help. That thought terrifies him.
She returns home and makes dinner. She waits for him but he doesn't come. She eats dinner in front of the tv. Bedtime comes and he's still not here. She goes to bed knowing she'll see him in the morning. Dawn breaks and there has been no sound from the god. The woman doesn't sleep at all. She wakes and takes a shower. She gets dressed and goes to work. What else can she do. Sadness and worry won't pay the bills.
Days turn into weeks which turn to years. She has fallen into a routine. Every day she comes home and cook dinner for two. Every day she eats hers in front of the tv. Every night she goes to bed alone. She no longer waits restlessly for him. Her body won't allow her to not sleep. Every night she dreams of him. Every dawn she wakes to an emptiness that will never be filled.
She knows he loves her. She never doubts it for a minute. She doesn't know why he stopped coming. She will wait until he's ready to come back. No other man will ever take his place in her life. He was the one meant for her.
After many years the woman dies. Her funeral is small. She doesn't have many family and fewer friends. All that is there is a Great Niece who barely knew her and a young handsome man. He smiles at the niece and asks her to have a drink with him. He tells her he was once close to her aunt. She taught him many things. The greatest lesson of all was that through all the worlds heartache and pain there is nothing stronger than love. It can not be severed by any, even the hand of a god. She taught him that facing the truth isn't the same thing as moving on.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
The Reading pt 2
In my previous blog I explained my layout. This blog I will do a preliminary reading stating the facts as they are. For anyone with any knowledge of Tarot readings I will let you know this is my first attempt at a reading. I am an amateur, but I am choosing to do this the way that feels right to me. I am using "The Druid Craft Tarot" Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm as my reference. In this blog I will type up the meanings as I understand them. Next blog I will put it all together. This is a good exercise for me to gain some understanding of the tarot as well as some insight into my life.
Court Card = King of Wands
The ideal person to be in charge of an orginization. They inspire others to co-operate with them. They are often lively adn amusing, freedom loving and ambitious. They make passionate lovers but have a longing for freedom. Decisive and strong-willed they can be unsympathetic towards others negativity or weakness.
Pip Card = Five of Pentacles (reversed)
Initiation, change, freedom, rebirth, embodiment. Beyond the pain the ecstasy.
A turning point may have arrived. You could be emerging from a difficult period. A reconciliation may be possible.
Court Card = Prince of Swords
(Funny story before I start. I read through the Court Cards before I had even decided to attempt a reading. When I got to this card I thought this card is Matt. Take that as you will. It's a true story)
An intelligent, articulate and quick-witted person. They enjoy an intellectual challenge. They will often engage in an argument or discussion for pleasure alone. They can suffer from being too impetuous or too righteous. They are inventive, insightful, skilful, and brave. They are witty, though their wit can sometimes be cynicl or ironic.
Pip Card - Two of Wands (reversed)
Join the dance. Expierence it's beauty and it's depth. To dance courageiously with commitment and with consciousness is to live life to the fullest.
This card revolves around the release of tension. A miracle can occur, a sudden change (usually joyful) can take place. A decision can be made in a moment that resolves a long period of tension.
Major Arcana = The Hanged Man
Go deeper now, and let go of your striving. True freedom and independence is found through surrender.
The Hanged Man signifies a time of waiting and paitence. Part of this waiting involves experiencing emotional life at a deeper level. It symbolizes the surrender to a greater power.
Court Card = King of Swords (reversed)
This may suggest the corrupt and heartless use of power, or an unscrupulous person who deliberately with holds information. Communication has been distored so that it is now used in a hurtful, schemeing, or slanderous manner.
Pip Card = Eight of Cups (reversed)
Working with the flow of life. I sow and I harvest. I give birth to my world.
It is possible you have considered leaving a situation or relationship, but the time to leave may not have come. It may still give joy and be of value. The card can indicate that you fear intimacy or commitment, or tha you are resisting spending time alone. It can sometimes signify emotional exhuastion.
Major Arcana = The Lady
Open yourself to the fertile nurturing power of the Goddess. This power will fill you with passion and the ability to be creative and to enjoy a life of abundance and sensual delight.
The lady signifies abundance and fertility. You may be experienceing a phase of passion in your life, either sexually or motherly. You will be living life through your feelings and your sensuality rather than your intellect. While the card traditionally represents marriage or pregnancy, these terms should be understood in thier widest and deepest sense. The Lady encoursages you to open to love and to trust.
Court Card = Prince of Pentacles
This represents stead, reliable, and practical people. They will be abitious, but know how to work patiently and realistically towards their goals. Beneath their conventional appearance they are sensuous and passionate. They value security, order, and dependability.
Pip Card = Seven of Cups (reversed)
Looking within I explore the shining stars.
This may mean that you have made a mature decision not to satisy your immediate desires, but instead to work towards a goal that will bring it's own rewards later. Alternativley the card could indicate either losing touch with reality or making realistic plans based on common sense.
Major Arcana = Justice
With clarity and discrimination, poised between past and future, the decision is made with compassionate understanding.
Time for making a decision or a choice. All things have their season and your job is to act with he honesty and integrity demanded by justice. It's possibly you are being called to account for your actions
When coming to a decision you may have to judge whether the time has come for severity - in other words, to discipline, for saying no, or for removing something from your life - or for mercy, for acceptance, for saying yes. Both approaches can be undertaken with compassion and understanding.
Court Card = Princess of cups
This represents love. Someone who is sensitive to the world of feelings and of dreams. The chalice symbolizes the heart and they cradle it tenderly and with care.
Pip Card = Six of Cups (reversed)
Meeting at last, there is union. Serenity flows from me at this point of balance.
This sybolizes a need to release old wounds and difficult memories. You may be clinging inappropriately to someone or an event that has long since ceased being of value to you.
Major Arcana = The Wheel
You can see the patterns in your life and the wider pattern in the cycles of Birth, Life, Death and Rebirth. Harvesting the seeds of destiny, you continueto sow seeds of love.
Trusting in the process of life. May indicate that one season or cycle in your life is coming to an end and another is beginning. You can release some of the control you try to keep over your relationships and trust to the wheel of life.
ME
Court Card = King of Wands
The ideal person to be in charge of an orginization. They inspire others to co-operate with them. They are often lively adn amusing, freedom loving and ambitious. They make passionate lovers but have a longing for freedom. Decisive and strong-willed they can be unsympathetic towards others negativity or weakness.
Pip Card = Five of Pentacles (reversed)
The message of the fives
Initiation, change, freedom, rebirth, embodiment. Beyond the pain the ecstasy.
A turning point may have arrived. You could be emerging from a difficult period. A reconciliation may be possible.
MATT
Court Card = Prince of Swords
(Funny story before I start. I read through the Court Cards before I had even decided to attempt a reading. When I got to this card I thought this card is Matt. Take that as you will. It's a true story)
An intelligent, articulate and quick-witted person. They enjoy an intellectual challenge. They will often engage in an argument or discussion for pleasure alone. They can suffer from being too impetuous or too righteous. They are inventive, insightful, skilful, and brave. They are witty, though their wit can sometimes be cynicl or ironic.
Pip Card - Two of Wands (reversed)
The message of the twos
Join the dance. Expierence it's beauty and it's depth. To dance courageiously with commitment and with consciousness is to live life to the fullest.
This card revolves around the release of tension. A miracle can occur, a sudden change (usually joyful) can take place. A decision can be made in a moment that resolves a long period of tension.
Major Arcana = The Hanged Man
The message of The Hanged Man
Go deeper now, and let go of your striving. True freedom and independence is found through surrender.
The Hanged Man signifies a time of waiting and paitence. Part of this waiting involves experiencing emotional life at a deeper level. It symbolizes the surrender to a greater power.
Jack (Jacobus)
Court Card = King of Swords (reversed)
This may suggest the corrupt and heartless use of power, or an unscrupulous person who deliberately with holds information. Communication has been distored so that it is now used in a hurtful, schemeing, or slanderous manner.
Pip Card = Eight of Cups (reversed)
The message of the eights
Working with the flow of life. I sow and I harvest. I give birth to my world.
It is possible you have considered leaving a situation or relationship, but the time to leave may not have come. It may still give joy and be of value. The card can indicate that you fear intimacy or commitment, or tha you are resisting spending time alone. It can sometimes signify emotional exhuastion.
Major Arcana = The Lady
The message of The Lady
Open yourself to the fertile nurturing power of the Goddess. This power will fill you with passion and the ability to be creative and to enjoy a life of abundance and sensual delight.
The lady signifies abundance and fertility. You may be experienceing a phase of passion in your life, either sexually or motherly. You will be living life through your feelings and your sensuality rather than your intellect. While the card traditionally represents marriage or pregnancy, these terms should be understood in thier widest and deepest sense. The Lady encoursages you to open to love and to trust.
Joel
Court Card = Prince of Pentacles
This represents stead, reliable, and practical people. They will be abitious, but know how to work patiently and realistically towards their goals. Beneath their conventional appearance they are sensuous and passionate. They value security, order, and dependability.
Pip Card = Seven of Cups (reversed)
The message of sevens
Looking within I explore the shining stars.
This may mean that you have made a mature decision not to satisy your immediate desires, but instead to work towards a goal that will bring it's own rewards later. Alternativley the card could indicate either losing touch with reality or making realistic plans based on common sense.
Major Arcana = Justice
The message of Justice
With clarity and discrimination, poised between past and future, the decision is made with compassionate understanding.
Time for making a decision or a choice. All things have their season and your job is to act with he honesty and integrity demanded by justice. It's possibly you are being called to account for your actions
When coming to a decision you may have to judge whether the time has come for severity - in other words, to discipline, for saying no, or for removing something from your life - or for mercy, for acceptance, for saying yes. Both approaches can be undertaken with compassion and understanding.
The Unknown
Court Card = Princess of cups
This represents love. Someone who is sensitive to the world of feelings and of dreams. The chalice symbolizes the heart and they cradle it tenderly and with care.
Pip Card = Six of Cups (reversed)
Message of the sixes
Meeting at last, there is union. Serenity flows from me at this point of balance.
This sybolizes a need to release old wounds and difficult memories. You may be clinging inappropriately to someone or an event that has long since ceased being of value to you.
Major Arcana = The Wheel
The message of The Wheel
You can see the patterns in your life and the wider pattern in the cycles of Birth, Life, Death and Rebirth. Harvesting the seeds of destiny, you continueto sow seeds of love.
Trusting in the process of life. May indicate that one season or cycle in your life is coming to an end and another is beginning. You can release some of the control you try to keep over your relationships and trust to the wheel of life.
Monday, August 8, 2011
A Neko Reads the Tarot part 1
A few months ago I purchased a tarot deck. It isn't a traditional tarot deck. It's "The Druid Craft Tarot". The art is amazing. But I hadn't had a chance to do anything with it. Today I decided to play with them. My focus of course on my totally messed up personal life. I choose a layout made mostly of intuition. Okay it was made totally out of intuition. I place the cards and named them based on what sounded right.
It's a basic cross type layout. I placed the card representing me in the middle. On my left I placed Matt. This seemed right. He is closest to my heart on this side. The left side is traditionally where an honored guest would sit. It was the side of Jesus that Judas sat at the last supper. It shows my great affection and love for him. It is also the hand of the betrayer.
Jack I placed opposite Matt. In my head they are opposites. They both have things in common with me but those things are on either side of my personality. Jack states communication is important to him and then does not communicate. Matt states he's not good an communication but works hard to make sure I understand him. So opposite Matt seems the best place for Jack.
Joel I placed above me. I don't have a specific reason for this. It seemed important to me that he be there. It seemed the right place for him to go. But I have no reason for this.
And below me an unknown factor. Because in life there is always an unknown factor. The unknown is always below. Under the bed waiting to jump out.
This is the layout. I placed a court card in each of these spots representing each of us. I then placed a pip card representing the connection between us. The pip card on me represents my state of mind regarding my personal life. And finally, a major arcana on each of the boys represeting a possible solution or step forward.
The card layout was as follows:
Me: Court card - King of Wands.
Pip card - Five of Pentacles (reversed)
Matt: Court card - Prince of Swords
Pip card - Two of Wands (reversed)
Major Arcana - The Hanged Man
Jack: Court card - King of Swords (reversed)
Pip card - Eight of Cups (reversed)
Major Arcana - The Lady
Joel: Court card - Prince of Pentacles
Pip card - Seven of Cups (reversed)
Major Arcana - Justice
Unknown: Court card - Princess of cups
Pip card - Six of cups(reversed)
Major Arcana - The Wheel
For anyone who reads this and knows something about the tarot The Princess cards are more commonly known as the Paige and the Prince cards the Knight.
Coming soon to a Neko blog near you ... The reading as read by me. It's late and I am messaging with an unknown factor. I'm having some concentration issues.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
A Neko Posts a little blog
I would like to preface this blog by stating that Matt has asked to have his blog initial changed to X as that would be cooler. So from this point forward Matt will be referred to as X instead of M.
And about X. I have a hard time believing he doesn't love me any longer. Why is this? Very simple, he can not look me in the eyes and tell me he just wants to be friends. He can't look me in the eyes and tell me exactly what it is he does want. However, if he didn't love me he wouldn't have this issue. Well I suppose if he didn't love me he could be confused on whether he wanted to be friends or just wanted me out of his life. But he wouldn't be confused by whether he wanted to be just friends or wanted more.
He's so simple sometimes in his confusion. I have a theory on the bigger issue and I may share that at some point. But I need to iron out the details.
This has been the Neko's little blog. Next blog we will discover someone new in the Neko's life and how this is affecting her. Oh and for anyone interested X and I are dating. We are not bf/gf but we are dating and we will see how this goes and what develops. For not I am happy to have him close to me in any way at all.
And about X. I have a hard time believing he doesn't love me any longer. Why is this? Very simple, he can not look me in the eyes and tell me he just wants to be friends. He can't look me in the eyes and tell me exactly what it is he does want. However, if he didn't love me he wouldn't have this issue. Well I suppose if he didn't love me he could be confused on whether he wanted to be friends or just wanted me out of his life. But he wouldn't be confused by whether he wanted to be just friends or wanted more.
He's so simple sometimes in his confusion. I have a theory on the bigger issue and I may share that at some point. But I need to iron out the details.
This has been the Neko's little blog. Next blog we will discover someone new in the Neko's life and how this is affecting her. Oh and for anyone interested X and I are dating. We are not bf/gf but we are dating and we will see how this goes and what develops. For not I am happy to have him close to me in any way at all.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
In past blogs I admitted to not being able to move forward and to be doing my best to remove M from my life. Well that went as far as me telling him that was what I was doing.
Sometimes it takes soemthing extreme to clear away the misconceptions. I told him I was going to attempt to move on without him. Probably not in so many words, but what I did say galvanized him enough to plan a "date".
I use the term "date" because I don't know what other term to use. We are getting together. We will go out and do something fun. We will talk and work on our relationship. For all practical purposes it's a date. Just so we know I'd like it to end with a … :p
I've switched pens and now I am writing with the world as my eraser… Nothing brings out a nightmare like the idea of being erased by the world.
That is what is currently going on with the saga of M. In other saga's , Joel has started sitting with me whenever possible. He is nice to talk to. He will listen to me whine about anything and everything. He will discuss things with me and give his thoughts and opinons. This is important to me. I don't like guessing what I guy is thinking.
Another slow development. Someone I would really like to know better …. I mad an unusal move and approached him first. He responded favorably, but there has been no further forward movement. Well maybe a little. I feel like I should make the next move but I don't know what that move should be.
I would like to take this moment to say if I bang the earth on my desk it flashes red.
So in conclusion, M has made a giant step forward in working towards the reparation of our relationship, Joel is a super nice guy I enjoy spending time with, And one other showed interested in talking to me, but seems difficult for me to approach. Yet approach him I intend to do I am just waiting for the right moment or the right idea to appear.
WISH ME LUCK STALKERS =^_^=
Odd that everytime I write a blog like this something happens that changes part of what I wrote. The 3rd person I talk about who is currently nameless made a successful move by talking to me. :D
Monday, June 27, 2011
A Neko is feeling kind of Enko
So I am currently writing two blogs at one time. One about the Grand Rapids Slutwalk. This one is going to be about me. About realizations that hit me, AGAIN, this weekend.
I went to a movie with a really nice guy. I mean it, he's a really nice guy. I had a good time, but I was nervous going. Kelvin asked me if it was a date. I didn't know if it was or even if I wanted it to be. I still don't know. I am pretty lame that way. I did enjoy myself, but ... I don't know how to put any of this into words.
Let me start by saying I have been trying really hard to move on. It may not seem that way as all my blogs are about the same thing. However, I truly have been making a valiant effort. I do not want o spend my whole life missing M. Well not actively missing him I should say. I will always miss him.
I took a very large step on my part toward moving on. I informed him that I was stepping away from what was increasing becoming a one-sided relationship. Since I am striving to be as truthful as possible I will admit I had hoped an still hope that he will not allow me to write him off. But, holding on to that hope is a poor way of moving on.
My 2nd step was going out to the movie. I spent a good third of the movie wishing M was there with me. I really can't go on this way. I also can't seem to help myself. Mentally I have accepted that M does not want anything to do with me. Emotionally this acceptance is killing me.
When B and I broke up I thew myself back into the dating scene. I went on dates and enjoyed myself immensely. Not once on these dates did I wish it was B that I was with. I enjoyed getting to know people even if we didn't date. This is when I met M. The following is going to be all kinds of fluffy, sappy stuff. Deal with it or close the window.
I met a man from NC on a dating site. We talked for a while and decided we should meet. I made plans to go visit him. I was very excited and nervous about the whole endeavor. The night before I left I get a yahoo message from someone I had send a message to on the same dating site. We talked all day. He sent me messages my entire drive to NC. Talking to him struck some sort of chord with me. I was more excited to hit a rest area so I could check my messages than I was to reach Asheville. I wanted to share my trip with him. I wanted him to understand what I was seeing.when I saw the mountains for the first time, when a butterfly landed on me as I was getting ready to message him. I missed him when I reached my destination and could no longer talk to him. a man I haven't even met and I was missing him.
I was excited for my trip home because I would be able to talk to him again. And talk to him I did. I talked to him in chat hours after I got home. Until Kyle burst in because I hadn't told him I was home. In truth I had lied to Kyle and told him I was going to be late because I didn't want to deal with him.
That was an odd little side jump. I suppose just thinking of that day made me think of this. This was the night Kyle tried to convince me he had always had a crush on me. He made awesome references to things that never happened. I don't understand how he thought I would fall for that crap.
My point before my little side trip was that for the next 5 days we talked a lot. The first phone conversation lasted for hours. This never stopped. We can to this day talk for hours if I could get him to talk to me. I was in love with him before I met him.
The day I met him I was the most nervous I have ever been. I showered twice that day. I shaved and lotioned parts of me no one will ever see. He was nervous because he hadn't gotten the apartment cleaned. That was the least of my worries. I am an older overweight, unattractive woman, what could he possibly see in me. It turns out nothing.
When I first saw him my first thought was "he's not cute." Sounds mean doesn't it. It took just a few hours and I saw that he is cute. It has less to do with his looks and more to do with who he is. I still think he's cute. I will even when he's old and ugly.
One thing he never understood was why I Could be jealous of other girls. He doesn't understand what I see when I look at him. Also the way he tries to make everyone happy could make me jealous and angry. Angry two-fold.
1. Because he is rarely happy. He is so busy making everyone else happy he isn't.
2. I never knew if he wanted to be with me, if he wanted to do thing things we did together ... I still don't know.
I started this by wanting to share my realization that I am not moving on. I ended up with the Story of Us. It's not wonder he avoids me. Who wants to talk to someone who can't stop loving them. Has to raise the stress level sky high.
I went to a movie with a really nice guy. I mean it, he's a really nice guy. I had a good time, but I was nervous going. Kelvin asked me if it was a date. I didn't know if it was or even if I wanted it to be. I still don't know. I am pretty lame that way. I did enjoy myself, but ... I don't know how to put any of this into words.
Let me start by saying I have been trying really hard to move on. It may not seem that way as all my blogs are about the same thing. However, I truly have been making a valiant effort. I do not want o spend my whole life missing M. Well not actively missing him I should say. I will always miss him.
I took a very large step on my part toward moving on. I informed him that I was stepping away from what was increasing becoming a one-sided relationship. Since I am striving to be as truthful as possible I will admit I had hoped an still hope that he will not allow me to write him off. But, holding on to that hope is a poor way of moving on.
My 2nd step was going out to the movie. I spent a good third of the movie wishing M was there with me. I really can't go on this way. I also can't seem to help myself. Mentally I have accepted that M does not want anything to do with me. Emotionally this acceptance is killing me.
When B and I broke up I thew myself back into the dating scene. I went on dates and enjoyed myself immensely. Not once on these dates did I wish it was B that I was with. I enjoyed getting to know people even if we didn't date. This is when I met M. The following is going to be all kinds of fluffy, sappy stuff. Deal with it or close the window.
I met a man from NC on a dating site. We talked for a while and decided we should meet. I made plans to go visit him. I was very excited and nervous about the whole endeavor. The night before I left I get a yahoo message from someone I had send a message to on the same dating site. We talked all day. He sent me messages my entire drive to NC. Talking to him struck some sort of chord with me. I was more excited to hit a rest area so I could check my messages than I was to reach Asheville. I wanted to share my trip with him. I wanted him to understand what I was seeing.when I saw the mountains for the first time, when a butterfly landed on me as I was getting ready to message him. I missed him when I reached my destination and could no longer talk to him. a man I haven't even met and I was missing him.
I was excited for my trip home because I would be able to talk to him again. And talk to him I did. I talked to him in chat hours after I got home. Until Kyle burst in because I hadn't told him I was home. In truth I had lied to Kyle and told him I was going to be late because I didn't want to deal with him.
That was an odd little side jump. I suppose just thinking of that day made me think of this. This was the night Kyle tried to convince me he had always had a crush on me. He made awesome references to things that never happened. I don't understand how he thought I would fall for that crap.
My point before my little side trip was that for the next 5 days we talked a lot. The first phone conversation lasted for hours. This never stopped. We can to this day talk for hours if I could get him to talk to me. I was in love with him before I met him.
The day I met him I was the most nervous I have ever been. I showered twice that day. I shaved and lotioned parts of me no one will ever see. He was nervous because he hadn't gotten the apartment cleaned. That was the least of my worries. I am an older overweight, unattractive woman, what could he possibly see in me. It turns out nothing.
When I first saw him my first thought was "he's not cute." Sounds mean doesn't it. It took just a few hours and I saw that he is cute. It has less to do with his looks and more to do with who he is. I still think he's cute. I will even when he's old and ugly.
One thing he never understood was why I Could be jealous of other girls. He doesn't understand what I see when I look at him. Also the way he tries to make everyone happy could make me jealous and angry. Angry two-fold.
1. Because he is rarely happy. He is so busy making everyone else happy he isn't.
2. I never knew if he wanted to be with me, if he wanted to do thing things we did together ... I still don't know.
I started this by wanting to share my realization that I am not moving on. I ended up with the Story of Us. It's not wonder he avoids me. Who wants to talk to someone who can't stop loving them. Has to raise the stress level sky high.
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