So I am currently writing two blogs at one time. One about the Grand Rapids Slutwalk. This one is going to be about me. About realizations that hit me, AGAIN, this weekend.
I went to a movie with a really nice guy. I mean it, he's a really nice guy. I had a good time, but I was nervous going. Kelvin asked me if it was a date. I didn't know if it was or even if I wanted it to be. I still don't know. I am pretty lame that way. I did enjoy myself, but ... I don't know how to put any of this into words.
Let me start by saying I have been trying really hard to move on. It may not seem that way as all my blogs are about the same thing. However, I truly have been making a valiant effort. I do not want o spend my whole life missing M. Well not actively missing him I should say. I will always miss him.
I took a very large step on my part toward moving on. I informed him that I was stepping away from what was increasing becoming a one-sided relationship. Since I am striving to be as truthful as possible I will admit I had hoped an still hope that he will not allow me to write him off. But, holding on to that hope is a poor way of moving on.
My 2nd step was going out to the movie. I spent a good third of the movie wishing M was there with me. I really can't go on this way. I also can't seem to help myself. Mentally I have accepted that M does not want anything to do with me. Emotionally this acceptance is killing me.
When B and I broke up I thew myself back into the dating scene. I went on dates and enjoyed myself immensely. Not once on these dates did I wish it was B that I was with. I enjoyed getting to know people even if we didn't date. This is when I met M. The following is going to be all kinds of fluffy, sappy stuff. Deal with it or close the window.
I met a man from NC on a dating site. We talked for a while and decided we should meet. I made plans to go visit him. I was very excited and nervous about the whole endeavor. The night before I left I get a yahoo message from someone I had send a message to on the same dating site. We talked all day. He sent me messages my entire drive to NC. Talking to him struck some sort of chord with me. I was more excited to hit a rest area so I could check my messages than I was to reach Asheville. I wanted to share my trip with him. I wanted him to understand what I was seeing.when I saw the mountains for the first time, when a butterfly landed on me as I was getting ready to message him. I missed him when I reached my destination and could no longer talk to him. a man I haven't even met and I was missing him.
I was excited for my trip home because I would be able to talk to him again. And talk to him I did. I talked to him in chat hours after I got home. Until Kyle burst in because I hadn't told him I was home. In truth I had lied to Kyle and told him I was going to be late because I didn't want to deal with him.
That was an odd little side jump. I suppose just thinking of that day made me think of this. This was the night Kyle tried to convince me he had always had a crush on me. He made awesome references to things that never happened. I don't understand how he thought I would fall for that crap.
My point before my little side trip was that for the next 5 days we talked a lot. The first phone conversation lasted for hours. This never stopped. We can to this day talk for hours if I could get him to talk to me. I was in love with him before I met him.
The day I met him I was the most nervous I have ever been. I showered twice that day. I shaved and lotioned parts of me no one will ever see. He was nervous because he hadn't gotten the apartment cleaned. That was the least of my worries. I am an older overweight, unattractive woman, what could he possibly see in me. It turns out nothing.
When I first saw him my first thought was "he's not cute." Sounds mean doesn't it. It took just a few hours and I saw that he is cute. It has less to do with his looks and more to do with who he is. I still think he's cute. I will even when he's old and ugly.
One thing he never understood was why I Could be jealous of other girls. He doesn't understand what I see when I look at him. Also the way he tries to make everyone happy could make me jealous and angry. Angry two-fold.
1. Because he is rarely happy. He is so busy making everyone else happy he isn't.
2. I never knew if he wanted to be with me, if he wanted to do thing things we did together ... I still don't know.
I started this by wanting to share my realization that I am not moving on. I ended up with the Story of Us. It's not wonder he avoids me. Who wants to talk to someone who can't stop loving them. Has to raise the stress level sky high.
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