Sleep well is the last thing M said to me before signing out. Sleep well ... yeah right. Sleep at all should be his wish. So I made my request. To start over from the beginning ... building a new relationship/friendship from the ground up. No destination in mind. But I can't lie ... I have hopes for where it may end. My biggest hope is that it ends in peace. That I will either be with him or not want to be with him. I don't want anything in between. Perhaps I'm to needy.
His answer was "Alright". Then he was surprised that I was surprised. No I never thought he hated me. Hate is a strong emotion like love. I just believe he has very little emotion at all for me. However, if this were the case why did he message me at 11:30 at night when he should be sleeping? Why didn't he wait until another time?
Some emotion is a building block to fix this. Maybe not to my specifications. I'm not saying I think we will end up back together. I can't think that right now. I do not need to set myself up for a fall. But I can't stop myself from hoping that it's possible. Months and months down the road. I don't know though. What I want more than anything is to be able to see him and spend time with him. I want to be able to do this without crying. It will take time, but somehow I will get there. I will have something to show for it in the end. What that is going to be is still to be determined. I am not going to go into this trying to mold it to fit my desires.
Leaving it up to chance. That is a new big scary step for me. It's going to be a difficult run. Wish me luck and I'll keep the blogs coming. Not just about this but about everything. I love you followers and friends who just stalk. I love Matt.
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