I was going to write part deux of the rolling music blog today, but somethng came up. That something was a dream. A dream planted by my sub concious desires to fool me. (Also in retrospect the music blog was kind of lame.)
So I had a dream. I don't remember the specifics of it. I remember a sword with a cross in the handle and a fleeing vampire. Even my dreams are dorky. I remember M in my dream. I don't remember what he said. I remember warmth as he embraced me and kissed the top of my head. I remember an overwhelming feeling of love.
When I woke up I felt happy. I opened my eyes and looked at the ceiling. I heard a voice in my head telling me "he doesn't love you". I could feel the happiness crashing out of me. It was a horrible feeling.
It's funny how our mind plays these kinds of tricks on us. It's funnier how we let it. How easy just to lie to ourselves. Not better by any stretch of the imagination.
I've tried to lie to myself often. I am not any better at it than I am with lying to other people. Because of that I have very little patience for people who do. People want to be lied to. M does it to keep people happy. It's what they want from him. Truth hurts … obviously. But I would hurt less right now if I hadn't led myself to believe I was still loved.
I wish everyone would always tell me the truth. I don't know how to believe anymore.
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