It is mornings like this that make me want to crawl back into bed and give up. I've figured it out, I am only handling the hurt when I pretend it might just be a temporary issue. When I admit to myself that he's never going to love me or want to be with me ... that's when I hurt uncontrollably. A friend on facebook posted a very good piece of advice. When you feel anxious it helps to take action. Even if that action is acceptance. I presume eventually that will work. Right now acceptance makes me want to curl up and rot.
Why should I pretend to be okay to make everyone else feel more comfortable. Yes upset people are hard to deal with. I personally have no idea what to do when someone is crying. I'm either too dumb to allow peoples attempts to cheer me up to have any affect, or too smart to believe what they say is right. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that people care enough about me to want me to be happy. I just don't think lying to myself will make it happen. Pretending that I will be happy without him in my life is ludicrous. Pretending I could be happy with him just in the parameters of my life as a friend self destructive. I shouldn't blog when I feel like this ... nothing good will come of it.
So today, in an attempt to forget it's my first Wednesday in months without seeing M, I am going to have coffee with my friend Rich and go shopping for fabric with my friend Kim. I got up early and dyed my hair. I am going to wear a skirt and try to feel pretty. Wish me luck.
Still haven't heard from Tammy . I am very worried about her. *frowny face*
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