There is nothing quite like having reality shoved down your throat and force fed to you.
Today's conversation
I didn't know you and M broke up.
Yeah a few weeks ago. We are getting together tomorrow to talk.
Why?
Uhm ... because the break up was done through email ... ?!?!
Wow he's a jerk.
But he big question was why. Why are you seeing him again? Why are you trying to hurt yourself again? She didn't ask those specific questions, but she made me think about them. If you asked me yesterday it would have been because I need the closure. And that's not untrue. But I have to admit it hurts to not see him. It hurts to not be with him. It hurts to think I will never se him again. There's your truth. I will put up with the pain of seeing him because it hurts more not to.
But that wasn't the end of it. Next she asks " Are you going to be single forever?" She didn't mean it to sound this way. I know this. But she stumbled across something that's been bothering me. Am I going to be single forever? I am 39 and haven't had anything close to a successful relationship. I know there is something wrong with me. I don't know what it is.
That leads into the next thought. Do I just want to be with M because I don't want to be alone? That one is easy. NO!!! How do I know? Well because, there are people who I could be with other than M. I don't love them; they don't love me. They, like me, are lonely. I, unlike them, am not going to settle for less. Yes ti would be easy to do. But I'm to truthful to make myself believe I would be happy that way.
Am I saying M is the only man I can be happy with? NO!!! Can I tell you a secret? Maybe ... once upon today ... there is a man I've had a crush (for lack of a better word) of for 8 or 9 years ... maybe. No I won't tell you who he might be. Yes maybe one or two of you know him or know of him. I know he would never feel the same way about me. So I've gone through my life. I've never loved him. I don't know him well enough to love him. The men I've dated over the last 9 years haven't meant less to me because of him. But ... he is a ray of hope that no matter how much I love someone .. .I can still have feelings for someone else.
So I have hope I can move on. But very little hope I have somewhere worth moving on to. And no matter where I go I will alway love M I will always miss him and always want him back in my life.
The general public. People that are fans of shows like "Everybody Loves Raymond" think that there is no point in associating with an ex because in their world Men and Women are from different planets and are never truly friends. They think that once the romance and the sex are gone, that there's no point.
ReplyDeleteFortunately this mode of conduct seems to be breaking down in younger generations. In childhood, boys and girls are more likely to have opposite sex friends and best friends now, which makes the opposite sex seem less alien, more approachable, easier to see as the same as you only different.
*shrug* I think you've probably heard this sort of thing from me before. I am a broken record on many topics. lol.
here's the thing though ... both people in a relationship have to be on the same page for a friendship after a relationship to work ... if one of them stills wants more it will be a struggle ... if one of them hates the other it will be impossible. it can happen sometimes it takes time ... look how long it took us to be able to be friends and hang out again
ReplyDeleteI am aware that there are a lot of variables. But for the most part relationships based on solid friendship stand a better chance than those built on romance novel ethos. I have a feeling that you have just such a substantive relationship with M, so that bodes well.
ReplyDeleteI'm also aware that my insistence on hammering you with questions you couldn't answer made getting to a point where we could hang out again very difficult. Once I accepted that I would never know why things changed, I was able to move on and cease arguing with you. I'm assuming sometime after that you noticed the change and slowly re-opened communication.