A Neko reverts to a teenager

     You ever get the feeling that you take 2 steps forward and 5 steps back? Of course you do ... if people didn't I wouldn't have that phrase to draw from in my repertoire of witty phrases. Everything seems that way right now.  The most important thing feels that way.

     I've never been any good with lack of control. I need to feel like I'm in control of a situation or I'm unhappy. I'm so out of control with this situation I am feeling like a child. Seriously ... I brainstorm for ideas on how to move forward and the things I come up with make me feel like I should be back in high school. How can I berate other people for their childish actions if I'm on the verge of doing something just as silly and childish. The only way I'm controlling myself is by putting these feelings into words that I can read ... sigh ... shake my head .. .and turn away.

     Even then it's only partially helped. That's right ... I've sent FB messages that didn't need to be sent. Messages fishing for the response I am looking for. I know how this works ... even if the response I want would have been the normal one given ... people's first response is rebellion. Good job Neko ... way to restart. I need to keep busy. If I'm busy I'm not thinking. If I'm not thinking I'm not coming up with bad ideas. Who wants to help entertain a crazy Neko?

Silence?

That's what I thought.

A Neko has a nightmare

     Last night I had an amazing nightmare. I am going to try my best to recount it here. Someone can tell me if I maybe watched it in a movie or read it in a book.

     I was coming back from the store/ration line with my husband/boyfriend. A lot of things in this are iffy. The husband/boyfriend for example. He was a mix of about 5 of my male friends with characteristics of only 1 of my ex-boyfriends. We lived in an apartment in what could loosely be considered and old brownstone. That's what it looked like from the outside except it had an amazing set up stairs/porch leading to it. And at times it looked like the Belding library.

      We were arguing but it wasn't clear what we were arguing for. All of the sudden he started muttering, "smattered with an ed ... smattered with a de ... ed ... de ... ed ... de." I told him to stop being so daft and say something that makes sense. He went off the deep end. He screamed "I'll show you who's de ... ed" and came after me obviously meaning to hurt me. I got angry rather than afraid and started to walk towards him. I yelled "Do you want to hit me? Would you feel better about yourself if I were bleeding?" He stopped  and stared at me for a moment. The next feeling is that is pinkie toe was "dancing" over the toe next to it. He had shoes on so I"m not sure how I knew this. He started to cry. "No, no, why am I doing this? I don't want to hurt you what's wrong with me?"

     We went into the building stopping at the neighbors apartment to say hi. She was a nice older woman one moment and a busy mom the next. Sometimes my dreams can't decide what they want to see. My husband/boyfriend told me he would take the groceries up and take care of them. The lady watched him suspiciously as he left. She turned to me and told me her husband was being uncharacteristically violent since the "incident". I am unclear of what the incident was. It was the reason, I'm certain, that the store felt more like a ration line. She told me he would start mutter nonsense under his breath. "de ed de ed" before he hit her. She told me at least 2 other men in the building were the same way. They were having a woman's meeting to discuss what needed to be done that night at 7.

      I thanked her for the invite and told her I needed to go upstairs to check on the children. I told her we were thinking about joining my parents in their apartment in the country. We were hoping it would be better there. I went upstairs and we started discussing the idea of moving. I mentioned what he muttered when he became violent and that the neighbors were doing the same thing. We heard the children laughing at something on the tv and went to see what they were watching. It was a man/woman and they were telling jokes. The  jokes used the word smattering a lot.

     My husband/boyfriend and I were frightened by this. He decided to call the incident emergency line. He got a creepy sounding woman who asked him what the problem with the tv's was. Something made him decide to lie to her. He said " they aren't working can't you see?" she replied "Yes, yes we can see. We can see your little one now. He seems very happy with the _____ program. Would you prefer something else?" and the tv changed to another programming as the call ended.

     This is where I woke up. I didn't move for 5 minutes terrified that if I did something bad would happen. This morning the dream still seems creepy ... but it really has to have come from somewhere. I'm just trying to figure out where..

A Neko should be in bed

Let me preface this by saying 7 am is very early. Anything I say this morning may be the product of a delusional mind.                   It seems to me that every time someone refutes something I point out, they go on to prove my point. I don't think I choose today to give examples, but if you take offense to this statement you might want to analyze why.                   That has always seemed a no brainer to me. If something makes you feel a certain way there is a reason. But you shouldn't jump to conclusions about this either.  The reason isn't always what it first appears to be. Yet it could be just that easy as well. All I'm saying is examine your feelings before making a snap judgment or ignoring them.                   It's making me nervous to write this blog now that I have a better idea of who reads it. On one hand I want certain people to better examine their feelings and responses. On the other hand I am afraid of what they will discover.  When it comes right down to it, if we end up with an undeniable truth that's a good thing. Even if that truth hurts me.                   This is me preparing for the worst. Hope for the best; prepare for the worst. If things work out for the best I will be thrilled. If it doesn't I will be prepared. Not happy, but prepared. And who am I really to say what "for the best" is. Certain recent events lead me to believe it may be slightly different than my first thought. I won't interpret that for you. Suffice it to say it doesn't mean exactly what you think it might mean. Or maybe it does, but I don't think so. (delusional mind at play)                   Last night I went out with friends to the Super Happy Funtime Burlesque show (I hope I got that right). It was a lot of fun, however if your easily offended it's not for you. Just saying. I ran into a few people I haven't seen in a long time.  I didn't talk to any of them for long. Just a quick hi how have you been's. Still, it's nice to see people you know. It's nice sometimes to reconnect with the past.                   Speaking of the past, it amuses me that I can go months or years without hearing from N. As soon as I'm single he's right there. Maybe this shouldn't amuse me, maybe it should scare me.  It is kind of creeperish. I am not even sure how he knows these things. I suppose he doesn't. It's his inner creeper instinct. Thing with N is we tried that, it didn't really work out. He's a good  friend and we were lucky to be able to keep the friendship after the first go around. Best to not test the fates and all that. But maybe I'm wrong Maybe persistence should pay off at some point. Maybe he'd be better off not going for it right after a break up. The answer will always be NO. He's still one of the best friends I have and will always be there with a shoulder to cry on.                   Today the Neko's eyes are opened to possibilities, but still focused on her true desire.   Stef   Bohemia doesn't die it just passes out for a while!

A Neko moves a step forward

Today's blog is brought to you by the concept of belief, by the letters M and S and by a loud howl of pain.       If you're reading this it's because you want to know how the coffee/talk went. Well it was more talk than coffee. I'm not sure how it went. I was left with a bittersweet feeling of hope. What this is hope for remains to be seen. But hope is better than the alternative.       Geez, even my tea leaves are being undecisive. It's hard for me to focus my thoughts right now because my foot hurts. And face it ... it's hard for me to focus my thoughts because they are scrambled ... like an egg.       I need to take a brief break to mention the waiter from the chinese restaurant. He asked to be mentioned in my blog. Mr. Waiter had flirt set to stun today.       Basically where we ended was a confirmation to begin. That's right ... start from the beginning. Just as I talked about before. No set destination except the one we end at. It will either work or it won't. No one can accuse me of not doing my best. And this time I am going in prepared.       I want to reiterate at thist ime that I made this blog public so it can be read. Nothing in here is a secred. If you aren't interested don't read. It's not gossip. It's not designed to hurt anyone 'specially M. It is an outlet for my thoughts and emotions. Let's move away from the high school mentality shall we?           ps. for M only ... I did write a great story. I decided not to share it. If you are interested let me know. I'll email it to you.

A Neko attempts to see perspective

     There is nothing quite like having reality shoved down your throat and force fed to you.

     Today's conversation

     I didn't know you and M broke up.

     Yeah a few weeks ago. We are getting together tomorrow to talk.

     Why?

     Uhm ... because the break up was done through email ... ?!?!

     Wow he's a jerk.

     But he big question was why. Why are you seeing him again? Why are you trying to hurt yourself again? She didn't ask those specific questions, but she made me think about them. If you asked me yesterday it would have been because I need the closure. And that's not untrue. But I have to admit it hurts to not see him. It hurts to not be with him. It hurts to think I will never se him again. There's your truth. I will put up with the pain of seeing him because it hurts more not to.

     But that wasn't the end of it. Next she asks " Are you going to be single forever?" She didn't mean it to sound this way. I know this. But she stumbled across something that's been bothering me. Am I going to be single forever? I am 39 and haven't had anything close to a successful relationship. I know there is something wrong with me. I don't know what it is.

     That leads into the next thought. Do I just want to be with M because I don't want to be alone? That one is easy. NO!!! How do I know? Well because, there are people who I could be with other than M. I don't love them; they don't love me. They, like me, are lonely. I, unlike them, am not going to settle for less. Yes ti would be easy to do. But I'm to truthful to make myself believe I would be happy that way.

     Am I saying M is the only man I can be happy with? NO!!! Can I tell you a secret? Maybe ... once upon today ... there is a man I've had a crush (for lack of a better word) of  for 8 or 9 years ... maybe. No I won't tell you who he might be. Yes maybe one or two of you know him or know of him. I know he would never feel the same way about me. So I've gone through my life. I've never loved him. I don't know him well enough to love him. The  men I've dated over the last 9 years haven't meant less to me because of him. But ... he is a ray of hope that no matter how much I love someone .. .I can still have feelings for someone else.

     So I have hope I can move on. But very little hope I have somewhere worth moving on to. And no matter where I go I will alway love M I will always miss him and always  want him back in my life.

     Today I went and got contacts. I haven't worn contacts in years. It was a bittersweet decision. M said to me once "Why don't you wear contacts? Not that I don't like your glasses, but you'd look better with contacts." I had decided at that moment to get contacts when I got my flex spending card back in the mail. After the break up I debated about doing it. In the end I did it for multiple reasons. 1. I am not going to let memories stop me from doing anything. (this is a lie, I let memories stop me all the time) 2. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'll look better this way.  3. Doing something like this helps me feel better about myself.

     Friday I go to see M for the first time since the break up. Yes it hasn't been very long . This is why I'm worried. I don't know if I should wear my glasses or my contacts. It sounds like an easy decision and not that important. It's not, every decision I make about Friday will be a big decision to me. I wish I didn't love him. I wish sometimes I could stop loving him. Other times I never want to stop. I hate emotions,

Neko is a nervous wreck

     I'll bet you all thought you were going to get a day off from blogs. This one won't be long. I want to shower and cook my sub. M and I have a date to see each other for the first time since the break up. Not a date date ... but a date like day hour place. I love how his response of course was for hours I had to work. No biggie, I can fix that. And can fix it again if need be. I am nervous about seeing him. I don't think this will last a long time. I will probably walk out within the first 30 minutes. I'll keep the stalkers informed. Who's taking bets?

A Neko on a Sunday morning

     Sometimes our memory plays tricks on us. All I can remember from my times with M are the good times. How good I felt. How much he used to laugh at me. How he would randomly smile because of something I didn't realize I did. All M has ever remembered were the bad times.

     Perhaps this is because the good times I remember were just him trying to keep me happy. If they weren't good times for him he wouldn't remember them. If that is the case I wonder if the man I love even exists. I have to think he does. I hope he does. I just don't know where he is.

     This morning I am heading out to another baseball game with Don. I had fun last night and I'm sure I'll have fun today as well. The fun is peppered with sadness. Matt was supposed to go today. While neither of us are sports fans I was happy that we were doing something together. I was always happy when we were together. Now it feels like even when I'm happy, I'm sad. I realize this won't begin to get better until I can confront the issue. I wonder if it will even begin to get better at that time. I hope so. I can't live my life like this.

     The best thing about my relationship with M was just knowing I was loved. It's hard for me to admit that I was lying to myself for the past 6 months. Those feelings were never there.

     I need to go get dressed now.

A ode from a Neko

     Why is it the people who use the biggest word and say the most have the least interesting things to say. Okay, to be fair this is not true with all of them. But, when it's obvious the statements are designed to make the stater appear more interesting or more intelligent, well, someone needs to put a stop to that.

     If you can not feel special without begging for it, someone is not doing their job. Woops, now we have to step back and look at it from another side. I have someone important to me who uses a lot of big words. They tell a lot of stories. They know a lot of things and like to share. They do it the most when they are feeling insignificant or uncomfortable. It's a coping mechanism of sorts. How do I, as their friend, help them to not feel that way? If they are important to me isn't it my job?

     Truthfully, I find this aspect of this person not unappealing. It's part of who they are and I love them because of it. I see, when I stand outside the situation, that they can get on others nerves. Really, if you ask me why I don't talk alot, it's because I can see that I get on others nerves. This person can see that they do as well. They assume they will get on everyone's nerves at one time or another. How do I convince them this isn't true.

     My previous attempts were utter failures. I made this person feel more unspecial than they felt before. I also made them feel dumb. They aren't dumb. They are amazing. I love to hear them talk. I learned so much from them. I can now say something in most cases and if you ask me where I learned that fact I can tell you it was from this person. I am bothered that the rest of society has made this person feel that they are unwanted, unneeded, undesirable. To me they are very wanted, VERY needed, and very desirable. But, I never got that across before. And now it is to late. I hope someone else in their life can show them how special they really are.

     It's not the big words. It's not the information. It's not the things they can bring to the table. It's them, they are special, they are amazing. I think I'll go into the corner in pout out of self pity now.

A Neko the morning after

     I ended the night feeling hopeful. I woke up this morning almost happy. That little voice that won't go away came back and said "He doesn't love you.". Good job voice. Now I am worried that even trying this is going to make things worse. To late to turn back now. In for a dollar in for a pound. The only way up is forward. You get the idea.

a Neko is a fool .... again

     Sleep well is the last thing M said to me before signing out. Sleep well ... yeah right. Sleep at all should be his wish. So I made my request. To start over from the beginning ... building a new relationship/friendship from the ground up. No destination in mind. But I can't lie ... I have hopes for where it may end. My biggest hope is that it ends in peace. That I will either be with him or not want to be with him. I don't want anything in between. Perhaps I'm to needy.

     His answer was "Alright". Then he was surprised that I was surprised. No I never thought he hated me. Hate is a strong emotion like love. I just believe he has very little emotion at all for me. However, if this were the case why did he message me at 11:30 at night when he should be sleeping? Why didn't he wait until another time?

     Some emotion is a building block to fix this. Maybe not to my specifications. I'm not saying I think we will end up back together. I can't think that right now. I do not need to set myself up for a fall. But I can't stop myself from hoping that it's possible. Months and months down the road. I don't know though. What I want more than anything is to be able to see him and spend time with him. I want to be able to do this without crying. It will take time, but somehow I will get there. I will have something to show for it in the end. What that is going to be is still to be determined. I am not going to go into this trying to mold it to fit my desires.

     Leaving it up to chance. That is a new big scary step for me. It's going to be a difficult run. Wish me luck and I'll keep the blogs coming. Not just about this but about everything. I love you followers and friends who just stalk. I love Matt.

A Neko of little faith

     My lack of faith. How does my lack of faith affect my relationships? Not well.

     Today is a case in point. As I stated in my previous blog, I am trying to face my issues. The biggest issue is M. He'll remain my biggest issue until I face him. I sent him 4 messages over the last few days. I have not received a response. My lack of faith prompted my last message to be an accusation. Stating that I assumed I had not heard from him because of his desire to remove me from his life.

     In most cases 4 messages later is a good indication the person in question wants nothing to do with you. In the case of M this may not be true. After the last 9 months I should know this. I've lost the trust I had in him. I have no faith he has ever been truthful. This lack of faith prompted my response.

     It could be that what I am asking is to much. Yes I need to face him, but I need to get some facts straight first. I wanted to ask him some questions. My hope is with his current interest in being truthful about his feelings I can trust his answers. And let's be truthful with ourselves, I love him. I am going to believe him anyway.

     I had thought of listing the questions I had. After I started I realized I wasn't comfortable doing that. Some of the questions are personal. Some of the questions are dumb. I wonder if I will get them answered. I wonder if I will get a chance to face him.

     In follow up he did respond. He seems willing to talk. I hope I don't flub this up. It's possible my recent change of thought pattern may lead this conversation to a more beneficial result. I will keep my followers posted. No I don't expect this talk to instantly repair every issue I have. Perhaps, however, it will lead to a course of action that will end in us repairing our relationship in one way or another. On the sad side ... I am still just as excited to see a message from him as I always have been. Stupid Neko heart.

Faith and your daily Neko

     I am a little nervous about writing this blog. No ... Alot nervous. I don't like talking religion or politics. I pretty much refuse to talk politics. My opinions are't going to change things. I vote. I just don't want the hassle of discussing my reasoning with you.

     Religion, though, I may discuss. I shy away from it. Religion is about faith. People don't like their faith to be questioned. It's to hard to verbally support in a discussion. Truthfully I am not the person to question it anyway. I have faith in very little. I wonder if I can fit that bit into this blog or if it should have it's own. I wonder even if I should write any of this. It is seeming a bit pointless.

     So I ask myself why I keep going. My answer, what else can I do. I can't fix this. I can't make it go away. I can't even face it head on. Believe me I am trying. I may regret it, but I am trying.

     My thoughts are like a ball bouncing in my head. They go from thought to memory to thought with no particular destination in mind. I can't seem to stay on topic.

     This topic is faith. Everyone wants something to believe in when they are down. We want to believe in a higher power. I have to wonder sometimes why that is. I don't question the truth behind your faith. How could I? I have no idea what is out there. I envy people their faith.

     While I have no definite idea what is out there, I believe something is. I wonder if it's important what we call it or how we communicate with it. Wouldn't our souls understand this better than our brain? If you feel comfort in a certain worship but not in another; doesn't this say something?

     Why should his faith supercede hers? Or hers trump theirs? What makes one person more right then another? When you stop and say "I know I am right because I can feel it", what makes you think someone else doesn't feel the same way about something else?

     These thought brought to you by a curious Neko.

A Neko on the go

     It is mornings like this that make me want to crawl back into bed and give up. I've figured it out, I am only handling the hurt when I pretend it might just be a temporary issue. When I admit to myself that he's never going to love me or want to be with me ... that's when I hurt uncontrollably. A friend on facebook posted a very good piece of advice. When you feel anxious it helps to take action. Even if that action is acceptance. I presume eventually that will work. Right now acceptance makes me want to curl up and rot.

     Why should I pretend to be okay to make everyone else feel more comfortable. Yes upset people are hard to deal with. I personally have no idea what to do when someone is crying. I'm either too dumb to allow peoples attempts to cheer me up to have any affect, or too smart to believe what they say is right. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that people care enough about me to want me to be happy. I just don't think lying to myself will make it happen. Pretending that I will be happy without him in my life is ludicrous. Pretending I could be happy with him just in the parameters of my life as a friend self destructive. I shouldn't blog when I feel like this ... nothing good will come of it.

     So today, in an attempt to forget it's my first Wednesday in months without seeing M, I am going to have coffee with my friend Rich and go shopping for fabric with my friend Kim. I got up early and dyed my hair. I am going to wear a skirt and try to feel pretty. Wish me luck.

     Still haven't heard from Tammy . I am very worried about her. *frowny face*

A Worried Neko

     I want to take time out from my self pity to write about one of my good friends. She got called while at work today because someone had broken into her house and stolen all her things. I  haven't heard back from her to find out what exactly was taken, but I know they had some expensive electronics. She's been having a hard time with money lately and this is a worry she doesn't really need. Everyone keep her in their thoughts. I'm not religious but if you are keep her in your prayers as well. She's been a rock for me the last week and even before that. I want to be as much for her in her time of need.

I love you Tammy. <3

Good news for a Neko

                I just got word that my friend Rei can and is willing to make me my kimono. I just need to provide the fixin's. This is something to look forward to. Kim and I are going to go shopping for the material Wednesday afternoon.

A lying Neko

                I was going to write part deux of the rolling music blog today, but somethng came up. That something was a dream. A dream planted by my sub concious desires to fool me. (Also in retrospect the music blog was kind of lame.)

                So I had a dream. I don't remember the specifics of it. I remember a sword with a cross in the handle and a fleeing vampire. Even my dreams are dorky. I remember M in my dream. I don't remember what he said. I remember warmth as he embraced me and kissed the top of my head. I remember an overwhelming feeling of love.

                When I woke up I felt happy. I opened my eyes and looked at the ceiling. I heard a voice in my head telling me "he doesn't love you". I could feel the happiness crashing out of me. It was a horrible feeling.

                It's funny how our mind plays these kinds of tricks on us. It's funnier how we let it. How easy just to lie to ourselves. Not better by any stretch of the imagination.

                I've tried to lie to myself often. I am not any better at it than I am with lying to other people. Because of that I have very little patience for people who do.  People want to be lied to. M does it to keep people happy. It's what they want from him. Truth hurts … obviously. But I would hurt less right now if I hadn't led myself to believe I was still loved.

                I wish everyone would always tell me the truth. I don't know how to believe anymore.

A Neko posting from work

     I made today's post through my email on my phone. I am in awe. However, if you read it before now, you will have noticed some errors. It's easier to catch those when posting right from the site. But it's nice when I feel the need to get something off my chest that it doesn't matter where I am.

     I'm not sure I made that clear at the beginning. I'm not doing this so everyone hates M and loves me. I'm not doing this because I hate M. I don't; I love him. I mean really truly love him. The jump in front of a train to save his life kind of love. The let him go because it makes him happy kind of love. But I can't just swallow what I'm feeling. And I can't share it with him because he'll feel guilty. So I'm sharing it in general.

     It took a lot of thought before I shared the link to this blog on facebook. My worry, of course, that he may read it. I can't stop that from happening. But I truly believe he doesn't have enough interest in me for him to do that. So over all I'm not worrying about it. I posted it for my friends who may be interested in what I am going through. I'm not going to share it with you personally. I will however post it here because I can't hold it any longer.

     I have a lot of friends who have no interest in my emotional state unless I'm happy. In fact that was one of M's big problems. He liked me best when I was happy. No not just happy; visually happy. I am not happy right now. I will not be happy over all for a while. I am not going to be sad all the time. But right now the major emotion in my life is sorrow. It won't be that way forever. Someday I'll have happy posts. Right now they aren't meant to garner sympathy or turn anyone against M. They are meant as an output so I don't drown in my emotions.

     Now that I've made that clear, I am going to watch Soul Eater with Zed.

A rolling Neko in the deep

     I was listening to the Adele song "Rolling in the Deep" this morning. The artists name is unfortunate. The song, however, makes scary sense. I am happy to say I am not that bitter ... Yet. It's the yet that scares me. How long until I do get that bitter? And in my sorrow what, if anything, am I capable of doing?

     "There's a fire burning in my heart. Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out of the dark." That's fairly self explanatory isn't it. It happens all the time. We meet someone and think we know who they are. We listen to what they say. We watch what they do. And it turns out to be wrong or slightly skewered.

     I am going to go ahead and believe I understand M as well as I can. I am not surprised he got tired of me. I am not surprised he wants to distance himself from me. I am not surprised he lied to me. I understand those things about him and love him regardless. Maybe even because of some of these things. They show the cracks in his more than human facade. I am surprised by how he let me know. In the end everything I'm writing about, everything I'm feeling will come down to that. His inability to look me in the eyes and say I don't love you. My eyes haven't been as opened as I'd hoped. I started this thinking I was finally seeing clearly, only to find out they have been closed.

     Don't think that revelation is going to slow me down. I will figure it out on my own, or wait until I'm emotionally stable and demand answers.

     "Finally I can see you crystal clear. Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare. See how I'll leave with every piece of you. Don't underestimate the things that I will do." Oh my ... That's all I can say. It worries me that I sympathize with this line. I'm afraid sometimes of what I may be capable of. Not only do I worry that doing something cruel would ruin any sort of relationship I may have with M in the future; I worry about what kind of person that makes me.

     I stated in a facebook post recently that I was not a nice person. The person who argued that this was incorrect was someone I've known for at least 25 years. But I know that for longer than that I have been hiding all my basest emotions and thoughts. I learned at an early age what people wanted me to say; who they wanted me to be. The truth is I would do something mean and petty if I thought I could get away with it without getting hurt in the process.

     So yes, it's true. I am not a nice person. I am a VERY honest person. Honest to a fault it's been said. My honesty and my mean spirited nature are at odds sometimes. I can't be mean to someone without them knowing it so I won't do it. Now I hate myself. Let's move on.

     "The scars of your love remind me of us. It keeps me thinking that we almost had it all. The scars of your love, they leave me breathless. I can't help thinking that we could have had it all." I like that. The scars of your love. When does love leave a scar? When it's real? When it feels like it was ended prematurely? I am having problems putting my thoughts into word here. I will explain with what my mind sees rather than try to make it make sense.

     There is a torso split down the middle but scabbed over. Next to it a table with a metal dish. In the dish is a beating heart. That's a very medical way of looking at this. I wonder what that says about me. This is the picture of the relationship that leaves scars. This is how I feel about M. He will always be this lumpy scar on my heart.

To Be Cont....

From a Neko to a Loser

     Today is a really bad day. I have friends who break down daily. I've never understood that. You go through your day because you don't have a choice. I still believe this, however, I understand a bit better why they are they way they are.

     I am handwriting this blog at work between calls. I am alternating between wanting to hit my head on the desk or crawl under it and hide. Periodically pictures flash through my memory. M on our first date. M when we went to the used book store. M at Target looking at me like I'm dumb when I ask him why he's with me. "Because I love you." he answered.

     Because I love you. It was his answer to me whenever I questioned him why. "You have to work in the morning? Why did you come out with me? Why didn't you go home and go to bed?" "Because I love you." "You are almost out of gas? Why did you drive all the way out here?" "Because I love you." No wonder I had no clue he didn't. When someone beats something into your head eventually you are going to believe it.

     I got stuck on that part. I've agonized over the next part I wrote. It's rather personal. When I had intended on keeping this blog a secret I would have just written it. At this time the people who read it may know who I and M are. However it plays an important part in my feelings and lack of coping today. Suffice it to say that two memories out shown all the others today. They happened during very personal moments. The words that were said at these times told me more than anything else he ever did or said that he truly loved me. I really thought it was true. If he loved me as much as he showed at these times he wouldn't have stopped loving me. Knowing this  I have to honestly say he never loved me.

     The point of this post, however, is not whether or not he was truthful or deceitful. The point is every time one of these memories surfaced I felt like I was going to die. I stopped being able to breath. I was making the people near me uncomfortable I'm certain. It's never been this bad before. I've had bad break ups, don't get me wrong. But always when I've hit the anger stage; the anger overrode everything else. Trust me I've hit the anger stage with this. But the anger comes and goes, leaving me with an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness.

Sad Neko is devastated.

Devastated Neko is a loser.

Loser Neko lost one of the most important things in her life.

Lost Neko wonders if time travel is at all possible.

Educational Neko is disappointed she had to leave out the part about dead lizard move 101. It's a don't ask don't tell kind of thing.

pfft ... I do so exsist

I decided to play with my profile a bit. I just filled out a few things like my birthday.  It says my birthday is invalid --- I feel hurt.

A neko's very first ever personal blog

So it took something bad to bring me to this. It's such a silly thing in retrospect. A break up. We've all had them. We all live through them. We all (well almost all) move on. I've had my fair share of break ups. Why I'm wondering is this the one that leaves me feeling like I can't move on. Well possibly this could be because of the way it happened. Story time boys and girls.

I've dated a lot of jerks in my life. This man is not a jerk. He's odd for certain, unconventional definately, a jerk ... not so much. He treated me perfectly. I, however, have that trust issue that happens when you've been stepped on a few million times. I couldn't believe he could love me. But still, I gave it my all. There were issues, all relationships have them. If you love someone you work through the issues. He told me about a month in a half ago that he knew being with me was going to be more work than he was used to. He told me he knew I was worth it and was going to work for our relationship.

Recently he spent the night. He spent the entire next day. He left around 6pm kissing me and telling me he loved me as he did so. He went straight home logged into his computer and sent me an email saying he didn't love me but he cared about me a great deal and still wanted me to be a part of his life. Just not the same part I had been for the last 6 months. I broke down. I cried until my brother called my mom and asked if someone died. I'm having issues with dealing with this. The way it happens seems unreal yet painfully true.

I wake up every morning and the first thing I think is he does not love me. I go to bed and the last thing I think is he does not love me. I know this will get better. I'm not silly enough to feel I'll always be in the place. But I do feel I will never quite move forward until I can confront him face to face. I am not ready at this time to do this. I don't want to see him until I can talk to him without crying like a baby. When I can look him in the eyes and demand the truth ... that is the day I will call him. Until then I intend on posting my feelings, worries, hopes, dreams, and anything else that strikes my fancy here.

I intend on trying to make it as entertaining as possibly ... what with it being my life and all. I am not going to promise not to whine. I've spent my whole life not whining and now I am ready for a little pout here and there.  I welcome all comments nice or not so nice ... however ... if you don't want to listen to me whine about unfairness or if you don't want to read unhappy things ... I suggest reading someone else blogs

enjoy