I pre-write all my blogs in a journal. Or at least I do now. That way I can work out the bugs. I currently have half a journal full of unfinished blogs. Either pieces I couldn't share or pieces I was afraid would hurt someones feelings. I promised when I started this venture I wasn't going to allow other people to affect my blogs. I was wrong. I would say I lied but that would require knowing I was wrong.
I still have many things I'm not okay with blogging about. There are many reasons for this. Mostly it is that wording these things hurts. It's funny, I started this blog in an attempt to put my feelings into words. The idea was this would help me move forward. I am not. Every time I think about things I still hurt. This has gone on way to long.
Keeping busy helps. But eventually busy ends. I found myself crying uncontrollably last night. I should step back and move on. I don't want to. I want to fix things the way we discussed. I don't want to remove M completely from my life.
I just keep hurting myself.
The distinction between being wrong and lying is something I've had to explain, so I'm glad you get it.
ReplyDeleteIt takes time for our brains to make new pathways. It's almost like getting stuck in a groove like a record skipping. (The things you learn as a substitute teacher). Time takes time and sometimes, that's the point.
Hm. That may not have made sense, but I have to leave for work now, so no time to sort it out.
I'm not sure I really get it. I find when I haven't actively lied yet what I say turns out to be a lie 75% of the time it was because I was lying to myself. the other 25% is cases like this where I fully intended on doing things a certain way but it didn't work out that way
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