A Neko is feeling kind of Enko

     So I am currently writing two blogs at one time. One about the Grand Rapids Slutwalk. This one is going to be about me. About realizations that hit me, AGAIN, this weekend.

     I went to a movie with a really nice guy. I mean it, he's a really nice guy. I had a good time, but I was nervous going. Kelvin asked me if it was a date. I didn't know if it was or even if I wanted it to be. I still don't know. I am pretty lame that way. I did enjoy myself, but ... I don't know how to put any of this into words.

     Let me start by saying I have been trying really hard to move on. It may not seem that way as all my blogs are about the same thing. However, I truly have been making a valiant effort. I do not want o spend my whole life missing M. Well not actively missing him I should say. I will always miss him.

     I took a very large step on my part toward moving on. I informed him that I was stepping away from what was increasing becoming a one-sided relationship. Since I am striving to be as truthful as possible I will admit I had hoped an still hope that he will not allow me to write him off. But, holding on to that hope is a poor way of moving on.

     My 2nd step was going out to the movie. I spent a good third of the movie wishing M was there with me. I really can't go on this way. I also can't seem to help myself. Mentally I have accepted that M does not want anything to do with me. Emotionally this acceptance is killing me.

     When B and I broke up I thew myself back into the dating scene. I went on dates and enjoyed myself immensely. Not once on these dates did I wish it was B that I was with. I enjoyed getting to know people even if we didn't date. This is when I met M. The following is going to be all kinds of fluffy, sappy stuff. Deal with it or close the window.

     I met a man from NC on a dating site. We talked for a while and decided we should meet. I made plans to go visit him. I was very excited and nervous about the whole endeavor. The night before I left I get a yahoo message from someone I had send a message to on the same dating site. We talked all day. He sent me messages my entire drive to NC. Talking to him struck some sort of chord with me. I was more excited to hit a rest area so I could check my messages than I was to reach Asheville. I wanted to share my trip with him. I wanted him to understand what I was seeing.when I saw the mountains for the first time, when a butterfly landed on me as I was getting ready to message him. I missed him when I reached my destination and could no longer talk to him. a man I haven't even met and I was missing him.

     I was excited for my trip home because I would be able to talk to him again. And talk to him I did. I talked to him in chat hours after I got home. Until Kyle burst in because I hadn't told him I was home. In truth I had lied to Kyle and told him I was going to be late because I didn't want to deal with him.

     That was an odd little side jump. I suppose just thinking of that day made me think of this. This was the night Kyle tried to convince me he had always had a crush on me. He made awesome references to things that never happened. I don't understand how he thought I would fall for that crap.

     My point before my little side trip was  that for the next 5 days we talked a lot. The first phone conversation lasted for hours. This never stopped. We can to this day talk for hours if I could get him to talk to me. I was in love with him before I met him.

     The day I met him I was the most nervous I have ever been. I showered twice that day. I shaved and lotioned parts of me no one will ever see. He was nervous because he hadn't gotten the apartment cleaned. That was the least of my worries. I am an older overweight, unattractive woman, what could he possibly see in me. It turns out nothing.

     When I first saw him my first thought was "he's not cute." Sounds mean doesn't it. It took just a few hours and I saw that he is cute. It has less to do with his looks and more to do with who he is. I still think he's cute. I will even when he's old and ugly.

     One thing he never understood was why I Could be jealous of other girls. He doesn't understand what I see when I look at him. Also the way he tries to make everyone happy could make me jealous and angry. Angry two-fold.
1. Because he is rarely happy. He is so busy making everyone else happy he isn't.
2. I never knew if he wanted to be with me, if he wanted to do thing things we did together ... I still don't know.

     I started this by wanting to share my realization that I am not moving on. I ended up with the Story of Us. It's not wonder he avoids me. Who wants to talk to someone who can't stop loving them. Has to raise the stress level sky high.

A Neko Walks the Walk

     I've had so much to say about the Slutwalk Saturday. I thought I would wait a couple days and let the thoughts cool down a bit so I didn't go off on an irrelevant rant. This may not have been the best idea. Two days later and it doesn't seem to matter as much.

     The general idea of the Slutwalk still matters a lot. The anger I felt towards some of the things said bout it not so much. That's pretty much it. My anger is not important. Still I will try to put my thoughts into words.

     I brought Jenny with me to the walk. There were a few words said about this but not many. I don't believe in anyway that means people didn't have opinions about this. I was just very vocal about my reason for bringing her. Jenny is no longer a child She is 17 years old. She got o actually meet Alex (her boyfriend) for the first time. He seems like a very nice boy. Yes maybe he's not, but if she worries to much abut that she'll be single forever ... like me. Now on to the hot points.

     I read comments to news stories about the walk . Most people seem confused regarding the purpose of the walk. One person stated a whole slew of horrible things happening in the world ie: hunger, war, and the right to abortions being taken away ... and was confused that women were protesting the right to wear what they want. Is that what people think we were walking for? The right to dress the way we want. We already have that right don't we? We were walking for the right to say no and have it mean something.

     Another comment that got me hot was regarding the type of women that were in the walk. A lame comment about how it would take too much scotch to make them passable for any of them to have anything to worry about. Are you freakin' kidding me? Not only is this comment incorrect and in poor taste ... well it's in poor taste. See I can't speak logically when angry.

     Anyone with half a brain knows that rape is not about sex. It's about power. It's about control. My mother told me a story about her friends mother-in-law. This woman, in her 80's, was raped in her home. She died 6 months later. I am pretty sure she wasn't strutting around town in her "SLUT WEAR" "ASKING FOR IT".

     I will get off my soap box and leave this issue be. I rarely have a lot of opinion to state on most subjects, but this is one that strikes me hard. One of my biggest fears is for my daughter to be raped.

A Neko let's go

     Letting go is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm crying like a baby knowing I'll never get a chance to see if there was something worth fixing. I'm stressing myself and M out though. I'm just making things worse.

HE ASKS "HOW ARE YOU?"

She asks "What do you want me to say? That I look at your picture every morning and I miss you?"

She asks " What do you want me to say? That another man has caught my eye. That every time I think of being with him it makes me sad, because he isn't you?"

She asks "What do you want me to say? That I used to go to bed knowing I was loved and now I go to bed and cry?"

She asks "What do you want me to say? That when I visit places we used to go I remember better times?"

She asks " What do you want me to say? That when I sleep at night I dream of you?"

He asks "Are you okay?"

She asks " What do you want to hear? I am happy. I am moving on. I miss you."

Neko is a Scaredy Chicken Cat

In an attempt to build up my courage I am going to write about what a chicken shit I am.

                I like meeting new people. I like making new friends. I am too frightened to make the first move. I have gotten better … sort of.

                Now I can sometimes get myself to friend people that interest me on facebook. Because I don't have to look at them when I do it. The idea is when I have them trapped on my facebook I can feed them tid bits to earn their trust and maybe one day when I'm not looking I'll turn around and they'll have responded to a tid bit. It's a slow drawn out process of trust building. And now I feel like you are all stray cats.

                When I get people on my facebook … I am too afraid to talk to them. Somehow I have ended up with a belief that they don't really want to talk to me. That I am not worth the effort it would take to get to know me.

                I know how silly this may sound, after all why would they accept my friend request if they didn't want to get to know me? Let's be truthful. How many facebook friends do you have that you don't really care to hear from? (Richard you are not allowed to answer this question … I am certain you are the exception to the rule) Sometimes people accept friend requests out of habit; sometimes to keep the peace. So as silly as it sounds I can't assume people want to talk to me.

                In summary if I have friended you on facebook I probably want to get to know you (unless I already know  you then it's just because you're a friend) Hopefully I will get up the courage to talk to you at some point. If I don't feel free to talk to me and call me a Neko Chicken Cat.  <3

Sarah Learns Her Lesson

     Sarah watched the little man picking flowers out of her mothers garden. She knew she should stop him, but the last time she tried he almost bit her finger off. She kept a close eye on the porch door. When her mother found those flowers gone Sarah was going to get in alot of trouble. The last time her mother had promised if it ever happened again she would be shipped off to New York to stay with Uncle George and Aunt Shell. Uncle George was the director of a summer camp for troubled youth. Sarah had a hard time understanding how a few missing flowers made her a troubled youth. Especially since she didn't actually pick the flowers. When the little man had first started picking the flowers, Sarah had tried to explain what happened to her mother. She had been grounded for two weeks. One for picking the flowers and one for making up faerie stories. No one could say Sarah wasn't a quick learner, she never tried to tell her mom about the little man again. She did, however, try ways to get out of trouble. She tried reasoning with her mother. If she had picked the flowers where were they? Her mother didn't care where they were just that they were gone. It didn't matter what she did or what she said her mother never believed her. She tried spending days inside so that her mother couldn't blame her. Her mother, however, claimed she was being lazy and sent her outside anyway. 


     Today she had another plan. If her mother didn't want to believe her she would find proof her mother couldn't argue with. She waited patiently for him to finish picking flowers and start walking towards the backyard. She got up to quietly follow him. She didn't know how well this would work. He never seemed to notice she was there unless she physically touched him, but you never knew with little men. She kept following him, keeping well enough behind so he was less likely to notice her. It didn't seem to make a difference, the man was pretty much oblivious to any of his surroundings. He just plodded on towards where ever it was he was heading, and Sarah kept a steady pace behind him. They entered the woods behind her house. Sarah almost stopped at this point, remembering her mothers warnings about the things that were waiting for silly little girls in the woods, but this was too important. Sarah would rather be eaten alive by trolls than spend an entire summer with Uncle George and his troubled youth.  


     The little man stopped suddenly by a cave and went in. Sarah waited about a minute and entered the cave as well. It was just the right sized for her to crawl through. If it had been a bit smaller she wouldn't have been able to follow, a bit larger and she would have been a little more comfortable. Comfort was not the objective here though, catching the flower thief was. The small tunnel part of the cave abruptly ended in a  large cavern. The little man was sitting at a stone table in the middle of the cavern. He smiled at Sarah like he had been expecting her. Sarah looked at the table and the plates and cups lying there and decided it was too much and turned to leave. She felt the slight breeze of someone moving. She watched a shadow on the wall loom up behind her. She felt a sharp pain as something heavy hit the back of her head and a feeling like falling through air. This is it she thought to herself. I will be eaten by trolls, but I won't have to spend the summer with Uncle George.

A Neko states her non opinion

     I am not sure how to start this blog. I have half a dozen scribbled out attempts above this. My ant responded to something I wrote on facebook with a response that emphasises the topic of this blog. I know emphasise isn't the word I wanted there but I can't come up with the word I need. It's sitting on the tip of my tongue doing the macrena and laughing at me.

     When Someone important to us is hurt by someone else we try to comfort them. We tell them they are better than that person. We tell them not to blame themselves it's the other persons fault.  We tell them how amazing they are and how horrible the other person is. We tell them how it's the other person who is the problem.

      I am not saying any of this is incorrect, but it can't always be true. There are two people in every relationship. Each of them has a group of friends telling them the other person is at fault. If there is a fault to be had it stands to reason only one set of friends is wrong. If there is a shared fault it should be just that … shared. Sometimes there is no fault at all.

     We all have people we think are amazing. In fact these people are amazing. On the other hand we all have people we think are horrible. Now the horrible people have friends who think they are amazing. And I'm certain they are correct. Our most amazing friend has someone out there who thinks they are horrible. You see where I'm going with this right?

      I am not trying to say we shouldn't comfort and support our friends. I am merely trying to explain how my mind sees this situation. This is how my brain works. This is life through my eyes.

      I can't just see your POV. I really can't even just see my own POV.  Every story has at least two sides. Every side has a reason for their actions. It is unfair in my  mind to not look at both sides of a story. Sometimes the villain is clear sometimes it takes some deducing. Sometimes there is not villain.  It is unfair to the parties involved to not look at both of their stories before decided who in my opinion is at fault. It is unfair to me to limit my perspective. I also want to point out that I clearly used the word OPINION. A decision like this is normally purely opinion and should be treated as such. My opinion doesn't have to be the same as yours and ours does not have to be the same as mine. That noted I do try to make my opinions based off all the facts and that is what this blog is about.

     Side note …I find people dislike this on the fence attitude about me. The don't agree with my philosophies in life. It's their way or the highway so to speak. If I were to say (and we'll use religion because it's a hot topic) I am an atheist they would have more respect for me than when I tell them I am agnostic. I really think I'd get more respect being a satanist. Because people can't understand my thought process. They are so certain they are right all they can understand is a person with the same certainty about their beliefs. Someone saying I don't know rubs them the wrong way.

      A lot of this comfort comes in form of the blame game. It's his fault because he did that. It's her fault because she forgot that date. To me blaming others is tantamount to lying to yourself. IE .. the situation with Bill's dad. I hate him. I hate his wife. I hate that they strive to make my life as difficult as possible. (I want to quickly note that hate is not an easy emotion for me. I don't like the way it feels to hate someone so I tend not to do it.) These are things they do to make me feel this way about them. I hate them but I can't blame the entire issue I have with this custody issue on them. I am to easy going. I try to make things as quick and painless as possible. I want what's best for Bill. Sometimes I'm wrong about what that is.  If I had been stronger and stood up for myself things would be different.

     I am a firm believer in not taking blame for something you didn't do. On the other hand, if someone is to blame we shouldn't give me license to transfer blame to another source. We have an obligation to be truthful and fair to those important to us. We can be supportive and comforting and truthful all at the same time. IE .. again a piece e of my life; my current financial conundrum. It is my fault. I am fully to blame. I can whine about change in my finances and a too large child support payment. But I am still to blame for my situation. It is stressful and I can use emotional support but not lies.

     Well here we are again … another discussion bout lying to make people happy. I still don't agree with it..

THE END

A Neko's guide to a good scary movie.

Written from the view point of a watcher and not a movie maker.

     1. Keep it a secret

Nothing is as scary as the unknown. Once you know it's Fred from elementary school who's leaving you all the dead kitties it's easy to come up with a game plan. Once you know that he best way to get rid of Fred is to introduce him to Janet who's been leaving dead puppies at your boyfriend's house .... well he's no longer scary.

     2. Keep it simple

Maybe it's just me ... but the more complex a plot is the less scary it becomes. When it's simple and there aren't a lot of twists and turns it's scarier. If you are keeping it a secret you really don't need too many plot twists anyway.

     3. Make the twists and turns you do have worth the pencil they are written with.

I.E ... make them believable and relevant. When Auntie Sue Bell turns out to be the hairy butcher you accidently deep fried when you were 12 make sure we know the reason he's now Auntie Sue Bell  is because you did irreversible damage to his man parts. Also we want Auntie Sue Bell to come back to revenge said man parts and not to start a pudding shop down on main street.

     4. Don't pander to our desire to see good win.

Just because the hero doesn't die at the end of the movie doesn't mean he needs to be safe. Who knows Fred and Auntie Sue Bell may have fostered a young boy child who hungers for your toe nail clippings.

     5. Make it innocent.

Nothings is scarier than something we trust. Who would ever expect that young Freddie Bell will kill you for your toenails. He's so sweet and angelic with his pretty blonde hair and sharp pointy teeth. And the cute little puppy at this side. Well the most adorable little man eater you ever did see. I had no idea he preferred your eye socket over a fire hydrant.

I am sure there are a lot of other things we can add to this and I welcome any and all suggestions. I am not claiming to be a guru of all things scary, but I know what I like to see.
 

A Neko has no witty title for this blog

     I pre-write all my blogs in a journal. Or at least I do now. That way I can work out the bugs. I currently have half a journal full of unfinished blogs. Either pieces I couldn't share or pieces I was afraid would hurt someones feelings. I promised when I started this venture I wasn't going to allow other people to affect my blogs. I was wrong. I would say I lied but that would require knowing I was wrong.

     I still have many things I'm not okay with blogging about. There are many reasons for this. Mostly it is that wording these things hurts. It's funny, I started this blog in an attempt to put my feelings into words. The idea was this would help me move forward. I am not. Every time I think about things I still hurt. This has gone on way to long.

     Keeping busy helps. But eventually busy ends. I found myself crying uncontrollably last night. I should step back and move on. I don't want to. I want to fix things the way we discussed. I don't want to remove M completely from my life.

     I just keep hurting myself.

Growl

I am angry.